a few ramblings...

i contemplated several subjects for this blog post but couldn't really commit to one, so here's just a few ramblings from my heart, my mind, my life.

- with such intentional energy and emotion given to september, the month of october barely seemed to exist. i'm in denial that it's november already.

- i spent a couple of rich hours with a friend yesterday, who's has her own story of loss. the tears in her eyes showed me love, her affirming that i find a place in her thoughts everyday eased my loneliness.

- words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' "crazy".

- i saw someone already displaying their christmas lights. i passionately protest this premature celebrating. give thanksgiving a chance!

- i am uncertain how i feel about entering into the holidays this year. running away to kauai is very tempting...

- i have a new housemate, ashley. it's nice to share my home, but also strange. another reminder of how this isn't the life i imagined.

- "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." mother teresa

- i'm prepping the house (and my heart) to place our home on the market come march. very uncertain of what will be next...rent, own, camp???

- i am enjoying my job. it's fulfilling and challenging. engages both my heart and mind. i work with good people. very grateful...

- my last rambling actually is best articulated by another widow:

I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn't miss dating; I didn't long for freedom; I didn't feel limited; I didn't fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I weren't the picture of married perfection, but even our imperfections were unique to us, and I miss those too (well, sometimes).

I longed to be gently held, to discuss the day in hushed voices before drifting off to sleep, to reach out in the night and not find a cold, empty space beside me. I wanted to have a date for dinner parties, share the household duties, feel the need to hurry home because someone was there waiting for me, get a checking in call on my cell phone in the middle of the day, have a person to call when I forgot to pick up the bread at the store, and to know that there was one person in the world who chose to put me first in his life because he loved me that much.

After the initial fog of grief lifted (sorry, I can't tell you when exactly), I was able to clearly articulate what I wanted from a new relationship. But being willing to risk loving again took me a much longer time. The idea of loving and losing again would immediately accelerate my breathing. The thought of someone who knew Phil seeing me with another man would begin a chorus of voices in my head asking question after question about my devotion to him: what would seeing another man mean, what would people think, and how long should I wait? Though I knew what I wanted from the life I was left to lead without Phil, I stumbled repeatedly over roadblocks I built for myself.

Michele Neff Hernandez from A Widow's Voice

I don't know if God will bring someone into my life again...I hope for this possibility, to be a wife again, to be a mom. A few weeks ago my heart was gripped with the fear of loneliness, the dread of "dating" again, the awkwardness of singlehood. I prayed (A LOT) when I would feel overcome by these fears that God would protect my heart, help me to wait in the uncertainty, give me peace and contentment for the life I have today. It didn't happen overnight but today I feel drawn so close to God, that my heart can rest and trust in Him, that I don't feel consumed by the fears and dreads of new relationships. And tomorrow I may struggle again. But I will come back to the things I know to be true...God loves me fiercely. He desires to bless me. He's there with me when my hopes are unmet.

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
— Virginia Woolf

I think I've fully unfolded all of my current ramblins'...thanks for taking a moment out of your day to notice me!