grandparents...

yesterday my grandma schleyer passed away, quietly in her sleep. she was my last grandparent so the loss of her presence seems to have even more significance.



there's much of her life that i never really knew. but what i did know of her was that she was independent, strong-willed (or a bit stubborn), intelligent, honest, fiercely protective and loving. one of my favorite memories of my grandma is how she gave us applesauce with red hots in it and we swirled it to make pink applesauce! i thought it was magic...

love you grandma!

my christmas tree...

this year i didn't get an actually christmas tree but did put out a few favorite decorations...and one of them is my christmas card tree. with curly, swirly branches ready to hold christmas cards and family pictures. if you know me, you know i adore getting real mail...your name handwritten on an envelope, containing maybe a funny or sentimental card, affirming to you that someone, somewhere took the time to write you a note (as opposed to the convienant e-mail or text message). and christmas time always increases the personal mail that is delievered. now i confess that i haven't always been reliant about sending out my own christmas cards. most years they end up being a winter's greeting card (but is there ever a bad time to receive a card???)

so just wanted to say thanks to everyone who thought of me, added me to your christmas card list, sent me wishes of joy, hope and peace. when i look at my christmas card tree i am reminded that i am loved by many...

o come, o come...

on the fringe of the christmas festivities that are about to erupt i (like many of you i'm sure) feel taken aback by how quickly we are at this time of year. over the course of this year time has been elusive, sometimes sluggish, and other times rapid. i certainly feel ambivalent about this christmas...

last year i was still dense in the fog of grief so the holidays didn't even register. as i approached this year i had hopes of engaging in the celebrations and the traditions. i wanted to enjoy my last christmas in my house, as i prepare to sell it this spring. i longed to reclaimed and maybe reinvent the holidays so they held some semblance of joy for me. and while some of these attempts have provided me with more enjoyment of the holidays, the absence of mike is just as severe. maybe a bit harder because we're so accustomed that with time things heal and get better. but no amount of healing or the many blessings i've received after losing mike can fully replace the ache i have for him. yes, i can say that there have been dozens of moments of grace where I know God has cared for me, where family and friends have loved me through this season. but he's still gone. with time, the reality of his death becomes more stark, more raw. and with a new year approaching (and my birthday) i continue to resent the fact that mike won't experience 2010 with me, that i continue to grow older without him.



so this christmas continues to be a longing for God to come...to come and bring peace to our world that is riddled with pain, loss, injustice, poverty, hate, loneliness, sickness. i continue to find hope in this sentiment from walter brueggemann: advent "is the voice of those who know profound grief, who articulate it and do not cover it over...And because the hurt is expressed to the One whose rule is not in doubt, this community of hurt is profoundly a community of hope."

so i'll end with one of my favorite christmas hymns..."o come, o come emmanuel" by rosie thomas.

say my name...

in preparation for doing some marriage counseling with a couple i was reading up on some ideas regarding communication, one of the key elements of a strong relationship.

walter wangerin, jr. offers this interesting reflection on speaking someones name:

"And name this listener. I've observed that people speak and repeat the names of their pets more than they do the names of their spouses. Where dogs are concerned, they know the value of the sound alone. Where spouses are concerned, they seem ignorant that the name, the very pronunciation of it, carries gentle force and affection. There is a deep, primitive response to the mere syllables of one's own name..."Dear", and "darling" and "honey" are not bad titles. But in time they are freighted with a host of other connotations. Speak her name. It's the most personal, most meaningful way we have of saying, "You".

(as for me and my house)

of course i think this translates outside of the marriage too. i think speaking someones name affirms their presence, gives them substance (how often do we acknowledge our waitress or barista by their names?) speaking their name says "I notice you, am aware of your value. You're not simply here to fulfill my need to be heard." it's harder to judge, be annoyed with, dismiss someone when you speak their name.

so say someones name. make this big, chaotic world a little smaller, a little warmer and kinder.

a few ramblings...

i contemplated several subjects for this blog post but couldn't really commit to one, so here's just a few ramblings from my heart, my mind, my life.

- with such intentional energy and emotion given to september, the month of october barely seemed to exist. i'm in denial that it's november already.

- i spent a couple of rich hours with a friend yesterday, who's has her own story of loss. the tears in her eyes showed me love, her affirming that i find a place in her thoughts everyday eased my loneliness.

- words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' "crazy".

- i saw someone already displaying their christmas lights. i passionately protest this premature celebrating. give thanksgiving a chance!

- i am uncertain how i feel about entering into the holidays this year. running away to kauai is very tempting...

- i have a new housemate, ashley. it's nice to share my home, but also strange. another reminder of how this isn't the life i imagined.

- "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." mother teresa

- i'm prepping the house (and my heart) to place our home on the market come march. very uncertain of what will be next...rent, own, camp???

- i am enjoying my job. it's fulfilling and challenging. engages both my heart and mind. i work with good people. very grateful...

- my last rambling actually is best articulated by another widow:

I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn't miss dating; I didn't long for freedom; I didn't feel limited; I didn't fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I weren't the picture of married perfection, but even our imperfections were unique to us, and I miss those too (well, sometimes).

I longed to be gently held, to discuss the day in hushed voices before drifting off to sleep, to reach out in the night and not find a cold, empty space beside me. I wanted to have a date for dinner parties, share the household duties, feel the need to hurry home because someone was there waiting for me, get a checking in call on my cell phone in the middle of the day, have a person to call when I forgot to pick up the bread at the store, and to know that there was one person in the world who chose to put me first in his life because he loved me that much.

After the initial fog of grief lifted (sorry, I can't tell you when exactly), I was able to clearly articulate what I wanted from a new relationship. But being willing to risk loving again took me a much longer time. The idea of loving and losing again would immediately accelerate my breathing. The thought of someone who knew Phil seeing me with another man would begin a chorus of voices in my head asking question after question about my devotion to him: what would seeing another man mean, what would people think, and how long should I wait? Though I knew what I wanted from the life I was left to lead without Phil, I stumbled repeatedly over roadblocks I built for myself.

Michele Neff Hernandez from A Widow's Voice

I don't know if God will bring someone into my life again...I hope for this possibility, to be a wife again, to be a mom. A few weeks ago my heart was gripped with the fear of loneliness, the dread of "dating" again, the awkwardness of singlehood. I prayed (A LOT) when I would feel overcome by these fears that God would protect my heart, help me to wait in the uncertainty, give me peace and contentment for the life I have today. It didn't happen overnight but today I feel drawn so close to God, that my heart can rest and trust in Him, that I don't feel consumed by the fears and dreads of new relationships. And tomorrow I may struggle again. But I will come back to the things I know to be true...God loves me fiercely. He desires to bless me. He's there with me when my hopes are unmet.

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
— Virginia Woolf

I think I've fully unfolded all of my current ramblins'...thanks for taking a moment out of your day to notice me!

laugh...

the most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

e. e. cummings

doesn't matter how sad or stressed out i'm feelin' my three nephews and niece always can make me smile!

celebrating...

today marks the birthday of two people in my life whom i just love...

my nephew luke is eight...eight! he's this great combination of tenderness and mischievous humor. doesn't matter what he's done wrong, when he gives you that smile you can't be mad. my affection for luke has grown even more as i see so much of mike in him. the common nuances and quirks the two of these share is kind of crazy, but there's a comfort in it too. and let's just talk about how gorgeous the kid is...he's going to break a lot of hearts!



and then my dear friend nalini...the girl exudes this joy and peace. she's been a source of strength and comfort this year, and she can get me laughing. i feel so blessed to have her in my life.

happy brithday nal and lukie! i love you so much...