the other kelly...

One of the very first things I learned about Mike was that he had a sister also named Kelly and a younger brother, Adam. He told me, "They are two of my best friends." I admit I was intimidated by the bonds Mike had with his siblings...there was this rhythm of love, playful mockery, respect, and did I mention the mockery! There was something rare and amazing about these three...

Now the rhythm has been disrupted with Mike's absence...I ache most for Kelly and Adam, for the loss they carry. And this month has held many bittersweet moments, including both Kelly and Adam's birthday...I would really do anything to have Mike be here, to say in his own words, to offer his own smile, to show how deeply he loved them.



If he was here I know these are just a few reasons why he'd celebrate his sister...

she loved him, truly unconditionally.

she was fiercely protective of him, but was never hesitate to lovingly tease him.

she respected him as a therapist, affirming and validating his gifts. and he admired her as a therapist and learned so much from her wisdom and insight.

what an amazing mom she is to her four kids

her kindness and trustworthy heart

she was a HUGE fan of his mocha lattes

And I feel immensely grateful and blessed with her friendship now...we're forming a new rhythm that is a mix of love, sorrow, laughter, honesty. I love her so much for who she was to Mike and for who she continues to be for me.

nine years...

Nine years ago Mike and I, in presence of so many family and friends committed our lives, our hearts to one another. It was a sweet and simple day, much of it going by in a blur. All I could think about was him, about becoming his wife, about starting our life together. I didn't care if the flowers were messed up or if we couldn't light the unity candle (which happened). I was his, he was mine.

It feels unreal that our journey together has ended. That I won't celebrate anymore years with him. I had so many images of us as parents, going on family vacations, doing home projects, and one day being old fuddy-duddys with each other.

I learned so much being married to Mike. And I continue to learn in his absence. I wish I didn't have regrets, that I didn't have thoughts of wishing I was more kind, more patient, that I never let one day pass without showing him the depth of my love. But if there is one thing we did well was that we were real in our marriage. It was flawed and messy. We fought, we nagged, we were unkind at times. But we always pushed to be more, to strength our relationship.

Mike helped me to enjoy life, to be free. I tend to be so serious and intense, a bit sensitive. Mike was so happy-go-lucky and friendly, unassuming. We had so many fun, playful moments. We loved to travel together, take road trips, camp. He made me laugh and smile. And I could be goofy and silly with him. He was my best friend.

He delighted in me and celebrated me. Over ten years of knowing each other we changed a lot. But he always accepted me. And I loved the person he was and was becoming. I looked forward to many years of growing together.

I miss his voice, his kisses, his smell. I miss our daily phone calls. I miss feeling his feet under the covers.

From the start of our relationship we always tried to remember that our marriage was also about community with others. That our relationship could bless others and that we needed community to help us grow in our marriage. We found a special kinship with our friends Jake and Mandy who share our exact wedding anniversary. We always joked that we had more marriage wisdom since we were married a few hours before them.

Mike spoiled me, giving me gifts "just because". I tend to be the cheaper chicken type of girl, and he showed me that I am worthy of a little filet mignon every once in awhile.

But most of all my marriage with Mike taught me how to love...the beautiful, sacred, forgiving, grace-filled kind of love.

I remember praying during our engagement that God would help me to hold loosely Mike, that he was really not mine to control or own. That he belonged fully to God. I have had to remember this prayer as I continue to daily grieve Mike's absence.

And today I hope he knows how much I love him, how much he has enriched my life and how much I miss him.