three.

i don't like the word "hate". i try to refrain from using it in casual conversation, cause with every mention it loses the weight of it's meaning. it should be reserved and entrusted for things that really warrant it's sentiment.

so i say with no apologies that i hate september 27th. i approach this day with anger cause it marks the moment when my life was severed and dismantled. when my best friend, my husband, one of kindest, most generous and loving people i knew was no longer. the first day of a long and weary journey into grief...i know some people fear facing these anniversaries and choose to distract, ignore or dismiss it. it's just too much to remember. honestly, for me i want to confront it, fight it, kick it, give it the middle finger.

but hopefully if you know me well, you know i just don't have it in me to linger long in this anger. not that it's not justified. i believe there is a place to feel righteously angered towards death, towards brokenness, to signs that this is not God's shalom. i feel all the time that God laments with me. and yet....and yet He compels me to lean into His hope, to receive His promises. anytime someone comments to me "I don't know how you get through this" or "You're so strong" (and yes I want to balk at these comments every time) i know it is because of my faith. my smile, my joy, when i laugh, when i start to dream and hope for what may be...it's because of this radical, redemptive Love.

as much as i hate this day, it has been the ones that have followed that allowed me to encounter God in some beautiful and sacred ways. and while i still can't give thanks or be at peace with the purpose of Mike's death, there is this gratitude or perhaps perspective on life, relationships, faith, loss that i never would have had before...and that is what I want to take away from this day. i trust that this perspective will serve a purpose, will shape my life into one that can serve others, enable me to be more loving, kind, giving.

Mike's ability to befriend people, care for them with such a generous spirit, unable to hold grudges, always curious...I think about that often and want to emulate it, make him proud of how I'm living. I miss his friendship the most. wishing his was here to talk about my job, the house, to meet all the new people that have come into my life recently (side note....my gratitude runs deep for the friendships i've made these past years, to have people want to step into my life and not be intimidated by my story. you know who you are...you're the best.)

so after three years i still don't know how to answer the very kind question that many of you ask..."how are you doing?" it remains complicated and ever changing. many days i wish i could say i'm great and i'm on the other side of this....i'm not sure that's even how it's supposed to be. but i have much in life that blesses me and enriches me. and that is where i want to navigate my heart...towards gratitude. for Mike, for how he shaped me into who i am, for those who have walked with me, my family, for new friendships, a beautiful home, my needs being met, a great place to work, for wine :)

so thank you for the calls and cards and notes and prayers and hopes...i feel them and they carry me through hard days like today. much love to you...

(and now i have to mention my surprise that it's been over a year since i've written on this blog...thanks for the nudge mom. hopefully i'll carve out more time and space to write...)