just when i think i'm getting through the days with a bit more strength, clarity, engagement...another surge of grief hits me. what can seem like a benign day takes a nasty turn for no reason, and i'm weepy, angry, lost.
and there's no one i want more in that moment than mike. to be the one to console me, to hug me, to talk things through.
i've been going through my boxes of pictures and letters. i confess i'm a pack-rat and save everything. but i couldn't be more thankful for this, cause i have every letter, note, ticket stub, snap-shot from our relationship. and it feels like it's time to take this stuff out of the box and create an album to celebrate these memories. i haven't read most of the cards...too painful to see his hand-writing. to know that there will be no more cards, no more birthdays, anniversaries, even ordinary moments.
and i feel mad tonight. mad that i had this amazing friend and husband, and it's just gone. mad that we were starting a new season of our relationship, with our first home and hopes for a family of our own...and those possibilities have died too. mad that i won't grow old with him. mad that he left me.
so bad days...just a piece of my reality.
and there's no one i want more in that moment than mike. to be the one to console me, to hug me, to talk things through.
i've been going through my boxes of pictures and letters. i confess i'm a pack-rat and save everything. but i couldn't be more thankful for this, cause i have every letter, note, ticket stub, snap-shot from our relationship. and it feels like it's time to take this stuff out of the box and create an album to celebrate these memories. i haven't read most of the cards...too painful to see his hand-writing. to know that there will be no more cards, no more birthdays, anniversaries, even ordinary moments.
and i feel mad tonight. mad that i had this amazing friend and husband, and it's just gone. mad that we were starting a new season of our relationship, with our first home and hopes for a family of our own...and those possibilities have died too. mad that i won't grow old with him. mad that he left me.
so bad days...just a piece of my reality.
6 comments:
Yes. Bad days. Mad days. Sad, incredibly sad days. You are loved and embraced in all of them, Kelly. Your heart is deeply wounded and we care about what you are feeling and wish Mike were here with and for you. Holding on to the hope of the resurrection and a brighter day tomorrow for you, my friend.
Oh, Kelly. I'm so grateful that you're sharing some of your reality with those of us that read your blog. It help me be more direct in my prayers for you. I ache that you're going through this and I just cannot imagine. I have no words, so I'll just say lots of love coming your way from Texas.
{hugs}
Be mad, Kelly. Like you said, "it's often unbearable to live in a world where shalom is broken...". (I love that by the way.) I wish all of your dreams with Mike could have come true. He sounds like an amazing man.
i'm mad too for you. i'll smile with you on other days and have a full heart on good days but on bad days, me too. Even though it's a bad-day i can't fully understand, still me too.
I love you, Kelly. Nothing I can say makes it better.... I just want you to know that you're loved.....
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