every day for me is marked by the absence of mike. i was telling a friend that there is not one moment, one experience that i don't think about him, that i'm not aware he's gone, that i wish he was here.
so time is a strange thing...but every month, on the 27th time catches up with me and i realize how far we're from mike's passing. today is four months. not very long. too long.
i have this thing that when i try to understand something i like to look up the basic definitions/origins of a word. so i looked up "four"
four...
the seasons
the gospels
chambers of the heart
your ring finger
i'm still not comfortable with it being 2009. mike doesn't have any existence in 2009.
i check-marked "widow" on a form for the first time. i thought i was going to throw up.
i ache a lot lately for his hugs, for his smell. i still have a lot of him in me, my heart, my mind...but i miss his physical presence.
(taken last winter on our trip to hilton head...mike with his brother adam.)
8 comments:
Praying peace for you and strength to get through today.
Love you, sweet girlie. Sending hugs your way.... and prayers to Jesus for you. (HUGS!)
Had breakfast w/ur Mom on Sat & heard your story. Then found your blog. u touched my soul. I think you have so much to share w/others going thru the same type of grief - military families, e.g. Maybe this is to be ur new calling. Keep moving forward
Thinking of you, Kelly.
i still have so many fresh thoughts of you and mike. when we lived at the prospect house, a couple of us girls would be talking to mike while he was waiting for you...as soon as you came into the room, he just lit up. his whole countenence would change.
and the song that miriam sang at your reception-i never saw blue like that before-that was truly your song. it so perfectly described you two.
four months...it feels so unfair...i sound like my 3 year old...but i can't think of another way to say it. that life has drastically been altered-shifted in this direction. my heart aches for you in the loss of mike and how it affects every aspect of your life. he was your everyday.
about a month before we lost jack, louis shared a series on the theology of suffering. we had no idea the timing of that and how it was about to prepare us for coping with the loss of our son.
the statement that kept coming back to me that he said was-tragedy and loss have the power to devastate, but because of God's deepest love for you, He will not allow you to be destroyed.
God continues to lay you on my heart and mind.
Kelly, I want you to know that through your pain and loss, you make me really look around at what I have in my family and really give thanks for their presence and the unique way they touch my life daily. Through your story I can see the reasons for making each relationship stronger. If I was to physically disappear one day, I hope that I leave the profound mark on my family and friends as Mike has left. I ache for your loss. But I rejoice that you had a love so real and strong in your life. Some people make it through their entire lives without ever knowing how that feels. My heart breaks for you that Mike was taken so sudden and young, and I pray that you can find peace and security once again. But know that your story, your words, your pain, your loss, and your struggle to find yourself, are a inspiration to myself, and many others.
I, too, pray for peace, strength and rest for you, Kelly! Our Lord is Greater than everything we are!
Hugs - erin
Grace and peace to you.
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