this is hard...my life, my grief. and i can understand how it's difficult to know how to connect with me, how to help, how spend time with me. i've used the phrase "pink elephant in the room" to describe how i feel sometimes. i'm not sure i want to be the center of attention, having my loss put under a spotlight, but it's also hard to not have people acknowledge the reality of my life.
i'm sympathetic that it's awkward and most people simply don't know what to say. but can i be honest and say that what i have to walk through daily doesn't measure up to the few awkward moments you have with me...i don't blame people that their lives have continued, pretty much unphased by mike's absence. but nothing is the same for me.
so i guess i want to offer these thoughts not to vent or complain but to try and invite you to know how to step in...whether it's for me and for someone else who is hurting.
if you don't know what to say, well say that. be honest and real. just sharing that you are aware of me, the reality of my life helps me not feel so alone.
be patient. keep pursuing. some days i desire to connect with people. other days i don't. but my life is chaos and it helps to have steady community around me, knowing that when i am ready to connect they will still be there.
ask questions. some friends sent me this e-mail as we were making plans for dinner: "We are wondering what you need, or if you even know what you need, from our evening together: are you sick of trying to put your experience and feelings into words? Do you long for an opportunity to laugh? cry? Do you just want to hear all about our crazy lives as parents? Would you like to play a game? Watch a movie and veg/zone out? We don't want to assume that we know what you want/need from your "scheduled" dinners that you've been having. I'm assuming that although great, it can be draining to be expected to express your heart with each person/set of people. We love you and of course long to know you and your heart, but we want to create an evening around what YOU long for and need right now! If you just plain don't know what you need, tell us that too, and we'll take the driver's seat for you. I know that your life stopped in some senses, and that although ours haven't been asked to, we want to pause and live your life with you for an evening, even though it seems like such an insignificant gesture at this point." Just by their questions they made me feel safe...
i am learning daily how to journey through grief. and i know i've made mistakes in the past to support others in their grief. i guess that's why i want to be honest about my experiences. so we can all learn and grow to be better for each other.
i'm sympathetic that it's awkward and most people simply don't know what to say. but can i be honest and say that what i have to walk through daily doesn't measure up to the few awkward moments you have with me...i don't blame people that their lives have continued, pretty much unphased by mike's absence. but nothing is the same for me.
so i guess i want to offer these thoughts not to vent or complain but to try and invite you to know how to step in...whether it's for me and for someone else who is hurting.
if you don't know what to say, well say that. be honest and real. just sharing that you are aware of me, the reality of my life helps me not feel so alone.
be patient. keep pursuing. some days i desire to connect with people. other days i don't. but my life is chaos and it helps to have steady community around me, knowing that when i am ready to connect they will still be there.
ask questions. some friends sent me this e-mail as we were making plans for dinner: "We are wondering what you need, or if you even know what you need, from our evening together: are you sick of trying to put your experience and feelings into words? Do you long for an opportunity to laugh? cry? Do you just want to hear all about our crazy lives as parents? Would you like to play a game? Watch a movie and veg/zone out? We don't want to assume that we know what you want/need from your "scheduled" dinners that you've been having. I'm assuming that although great, it can be draining to be expected to express your heart with each person/set of people. We love you and of course long to know you and your heart, but we want to create an evening around what YOU long for and need right now! If you just plain don't know what you need, tell us that too, and we'll take the driver's seat for you. I know that your life stopped in some senses, and that although ours haven't been asked to, we want to pause and live your life with you for an evening, even though it seems like such an insignificant gesture at this point." Just by their questions they made me feel safe...
i am learning daily how to journey through grief. and i know i've made mistakes in the past to support others in their grief. i guess that's why i want to be honest about my experiences. so we can all learn and grow to be better for each other.
6 comments:
Kelly, dear Kelly.... you are such a treasure. The fact that you would express these words openly and honestly says so much about your character, my friend. I have always.... ALWAYS.... loved your willingness to be vulnerable and your kindness as you SO gently invite people to enter into your story and as you kindly and gently enter into theirs as well. This time is no exception.... I want you to know that I think the world of you.... I admire your continued willingness to allow a loving God to meet you in the midst of the journey.... and you mean the world to me. Sending hugs your way.... and prayers God's way.... I love you.
Hey Kelly, gosh, you know, we've never even met. I'm a random photographer among many that you "kind of" know online...but I haven't been able to get you off of my mind! Seriously, I am always checking in on your blog, hoping that you've updated. I really can't imagine what you are going through--I try to imagine it, but know that I must not even be coming close. Please just know that you have some, random person, praying for you and wondering about you and wishing that you didn't have to be suffering like this right now. I hope to actually meet you in person some day and wish I could be one of those people to give you some sort of comfort right now. Just try to stay strong and allow yourself to grieve. Wishing you some peace and "safe" feelings today... xoxo
just thinking of you as the holiday season is begining. the first holidays "without" can be really tough... i am so thankful you are surrounded by people who really care about you.
I appreciate your honesty, Kelly. In the midst of your grief you are teaching me so much.
Kellly~
Bryan and I pray for you through choked back tears. We struggle with the unfairness of this for your life. We wish we could have been at the memorial service to celebrate Mike's life, but only found out the evening of that day. We have some fun memories of Mike from the years he was one of Bryan's roommates. We will have to share those with you sometime. Our hearts are with you. ~Katie (and Bryan)
I read your entire blog this morning (up early thanks to the puppies)
You are an amazing person to be able to share your experience and feelings so openly to help others.
I hope in this sharing that it helps you as much as I'm sure it will help others.
-Dylan
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