time to return

it is long overdue. A response from the powers' that is. Are we in avoidance? Is this typical procrastination? What may we be running from? Shame? Accountability? Mockery? You might think. Honestly, I must confess this (at least for me...mike) to be lack of ambition...laziness perhaps. I can't speak for Kelly.

But here I am...attempting to color in words on this page. thinking back to where we left off. Oh, the house. Yes, we purchased a home and now, finally, occupy this home...this beautiful but waiting-to-be-restored-further home. You notice my use of language...from "house" to "home." I just realized this but decided to leave it. After four months of receiving mail at this new address, I can honestly call this our "home." I am not sure as to the catalyst of change...but i believe multiple experiences create and build into our interpretation of things. Where once this was merely a house...it is now perceived as a home. It feels good to come "home"...feels natural. We've had so much fun having friends and family visit. There have been numerous evenings of dinner served, games played, wine consumed, and conversation on the front screened-in-porch with friends, that are new and developing, and friends whom we could probably write their memoirs if they had asked. These moments certainly add to this change. We are invested in many little projects that slowly invest our hearts into this place. We've added two fuzzy little fur balls from the Humane Society that now run and greet us every moment they hear the back patio door slide way open and see us enter. Lucy and Scout meow with such narcissism but we delightfully cater to their needs. Without a doubt, the energy of a kitten changes the perception of a home. The list could continue...

other honorable mentions...my brother, Adam, and I backpacked Isle Royale earlier this month for a week. While it was so good to get away, experience the island, and spend time with my brother, it was so good to return "home" to my wife. In late June, Kelly and I revisited our old stompin' grounds up in Traverse City. We chose to camp for 5 days at Leelanau Peninsula (a three hour one-way trip up north). We arrived at our destination, got the tent all set up, most of the bags out and organized somewhat, and began making dinner. It was a lovely evening...even a wonderful surprise to find new friends Kurt and Kristin camping there coincidentally. (Kristen is a therapist at Wellspring and we had been really wanting to get the four of us together) The loveliness stopped, however, when Kelly asked where the duffle with all our clothes was placed...it got left back in GR. I made a decision to leave that evening and spend the next 6+ hours (round trip) to get it...I would have gotten back to the campground around 4am. Thankfully, my good buddie, JJ (who lives 4 houses down) offered to pick it up and drive it north an hour and a half. I thank my sister who repeatedly called me to keep me company while I managed to navigate through multiple deer. It was a good trip. We finished the camping portion and then surrendered to lavish luxury when we stayed in Petoskey at this old historic hotel. The next day we traveled to Mackinac Island and rode our bikes around the island, avoiding fudge, multiple articles of clothing on sale with island's name, and gobs of people. Though a bit touristy for our threshold, it was still a fun experience and I can think of far worse tourist traps visited. (Not to name names, but Branson, Missouri anyone?)

Now to be a bit more personal/honest...we remain open to more experiences and are desiring more connection with each other and with others. We still are in exploration of "who will be and who is our community?" We are questioning and seeking answers to what will be next...as kelly pursues something part/full-time and entertains what she is called toward/what she cannot escape...as I consider the work that I am doing--is it enough? is it really satisfying? are the hours conducive to the overall purpose and trajectory of our lives? and am i leveling the playing field in the work I do and the people I interact with so that justice and mercy can be known? or am I building an ivory tower, disconnected, and following the american dream?

There are many stories to be told and we are eager to experience the "more" of life. We were able to meet with our mentor/graduate school president, Dan Allender, on Friday night for dinner and we participated in his speaking engagement on leadership. This evening evoked in us desire/hope that had been tempered for a myriad of reasons. I felt in some way ashamed that I haven't matured more than I have (3+ years post grad school and with professional experience now under my belt), but yet left with an abundance of hope that sets my tendency to the avoidance of failure, of chaos, of betrayal, or crisis, or loneliness in its rightful place...not allowing these tendencies to define me. Rather this hope is realized as I look back and in the present to my returning and attempting to remain in the midst of a kind of death with a hope and expectation of resurrection--of life restored. The "more" of life requires a baptism of fire--perhaps equal portions of both death and life--perhaps not equal portions at all. Am I open to the pains of death to experience the joys of life and resurrection...only to experience even more death? My death threshold is often very limited and therefore I may not fully participate in the gratitude of life...I am like the man who looks in the mirror only to forget what he looks like. ie...i'd soon rather forget who I am and what I am built for as integrity requires an honest confrontation with the givens of life and death and of joy and sorrow. I am glad I have been caught and taken by surprise.

and now to conclude this late night rambling with a quote from one of my favorite tv shows...The Office. The semi-deluded and misguided Regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Paper Co., Michael Scott says in sincerity to the camera "I don't need to be liked. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked...but I don't need to be liked, like my need to be praised."

I am sure we can all relate to the layers of protection and defensive structures-perhaps even delusions of grandeur-we create for ourselves in order not to be confronted by truth. I hope this different season brings people who may be both wise and gentle in challenging me and calling me to be someone who is willing to bleed for my own redemption and the redemption of others.