We're not dancing, we're limping, but it's the best that we can do.

Linford Detweiler (Over the Rhine)

I mentioned a few posts back that I was in the midst of some really bad days. I found my way out of that week. Learned some lessons. Can't say that I've had great days since then, but I'm "limping" through them.

A few updates...

I did find some direction about selling my house and searching for a job. I realized that I'm not ready to go through the selling/moving process. It feels like another loss and I don't know if my heart can take it. While death gave Mike peace, it seems to have left ripples of destruction in my life. I lost my love, our dreams and possibilities won't be fulfilled, my photography career has to pause.

And I am aware of the desire and need for purpose in my life. So seeking out a job seemed to be more of a life-giving venture. So for now the house will remain my home and I am working on my resume and searching for job opportunities. Hopefully once I have a job I'll know what my options are for the house.

I'm anxious for spring to arrive, to see green, to smell fresh earth, feel the sun. Maybe it will bring some more renewal to my spirit.

guess who's two?

two years ago i got to watch my niece brei be born...it was an awesome experience to hear her first cry and see her enter the world! (and i was proud of myself that i didn't pass out from the blood)

she's such a delight...and a lil' diva at times.

kelly loves having a little girl...

my favorite things about brei are her laugh, when she says "cuuute", her sassy looks, and teaching her to dance...


mike was very smitten with his niece...he was so sweet with her. i'm so thankful that i will still be a part of her life, but it's difficult to know that she will not remember uncle kiki. only to know him through our stories and pictures.

happy birthday sweet brei!

no words...

i who live by words,
am wordless when
i try my words in prayer
all language turns
to silence

-l'engle

this past week i've had different friends who have welcomed beautiful new souls into their families...little babies that should only know love, but already in their first days must struggle. one of these families said good-bye to their baby girl after one day of life. the other family hopes relentlessly for little victories for their little girl.

even though i'm walking through my own story of loss, all of grief is different. so unique, sacred, personal. i too struggle to find the words that could offer comfort or peace. but my heart is with them...and i found in my journey that to be the most healing thing. to have people aware of me, my loss.

so tonight i am sitting in silent, wordless prayer, ever so present to the broken paths my friends are walking...