cuatro...

every day for me is marked by the absence of mike. i was telling a friend that there is not one moment, one experience that i don't think about him, that i'm not aware he's gone, that i wish he was here.

so time is a strange thing...but every month, on the 27th time catches up with me and i realize how far we're from mike's passing. today is four months. not very long. too long.

i have this thing that when i try to understand something i like to look up the basic definitions/origins of a word. so i looked up "four"

four...
the seasons
the gospels
chambers of the heart
your ring finger

i'm still not comfortable with it being 2009. mike doesn't have any existence in 2009.

i check-marked "widow" on a form for the first time. i thought i was going to throw up.

i ache a lot lately for his hugs, for his smell. i still have a lot of him in me, my heart, my mind...but i miss his physical presence.

(taken last winter on our trip to hilton head...mike with his brother adam.)

think like a tree...

Soak up the sun
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling

by karen shragg

(thank you to katie for sharing this poem...trees have always represented wisdom, truth and beauty to me)

winter "garage" sale...

if you're interested in any of these items drop me a note...

1) Sole E55 Elliptical Machine. Bought from Dick's in Feb 08 and used approx 20 times. Great machine! Free exercise mat with purchase (lays under machine to protect flooring). contact for price.

2)IPod Touch: 8 gb. Digital Media Player (music, photos, video, web). Model: MA623LL/B. Also includes earphones & USB cable. Brand new--still in plastic! $200

3) Sanyo mini fridge--great condition, stainless steel/silver outer door: $50. Dimensions available on request.

4) Small black microwave, size just right for dorm, office, or smaller kitchen. Great working condition: $25. Dimensions available on request.

denver...

my mom gave me an amazing birthday present...she sent me to denver to visit my dear friends the lafleurs and rutts. mike and i became friends with mark & jenna and jake & mandy during our time in seattle at grad school. now they all live in the denver area (a fun coencidence!)

this trip was really good for my heart...to reconnect with some of my favorite people, to be a new place to step into another year, to soak up sunshine (yes, people of michigan the sun still exists!)

here's the lafleur family...last time we saw mark and jenna they were pregnant with their first baby. now they are an amazing family of five. mark is a full-time therapist and jenna is at home with the three lil' ones. i got to spend the day with jenna and see some pieces of the lafleur's life...

my time with jenna really refreshed me and inspired me. we got to share our lives over cups of tea (jenna has a beautiful way to make tea an experience) and she shared her art of journaling/scrapbooking. looking over the way she took paper, ribbons, pictures, words to create a storybook has helped inspire me to keep up with my journaling.

their children are beautiful! and have delightful personalities...emma saige

asher

rohan (when saying good-bye to me he asked when i'd be coming back...i hope real soon!)

mark was one of mike's dearest friends in seattle...i can still hear them greeting each other with "hey guy!" with a mutual love for coffee and pipes they shared many laughs and honest moments. i love this picture from graduation cause it captures how mark could make mike laugh.

oh the rutts! not sure where to begin about our friendship with jake and mandy...they have been some of our best friends since seattle. and they loved mike...they delighted in him, loved his michael w. smith impersonations, believed in him. we shared a lot of fun memories of mike and our times together as friends. it helped me feel closer to him, to be able to feel the joy of mike's presence in our lives.

this picture was taken the day we left seattle to move back to grand rapids...we HATED leaving our friends!

mandy and jake are the best hosts! they treated me a like queen during my trip...mandy is a gifted cook and can make anything taste like it's from a five star resturant. jake just puts me at ease and is a good man. we spent a lot of time just hanging out, catching up, eating. one day we did go for a hike near red rocks. here's one of me and mandy...did i mention i love this girl??? (plus this is her blog debut...she's been waiting to be featured)


jake & mandy...oh how i wished we lived closer!

one of the most beautiful persons i know...

red rocks...jake was one of mike's favorite backpacking partners. being out in the colorado wilderness it was hard to not imagine these two scaling the mountain trails. jake shared that he considers mike one of his heroes, the way he genuinely pursued and cared for people. i know that mike was a better person for knowing jake (and mandy). i can just see the joy in mike's face, saying "hey guy!", embracing the rutts.


how fun that jake and mandy live on "powers" street...

the SUN!!!!!!

me in the sun....it's very tempting to think about moving to denver.

well, mike should have been in denver with me. for the past year we've been talking about making a trip out there...but life happens and there are those "shoulda, coulda, woulda's". i heard the other day that losing a spouse changes your friendships, especially with your married friends. it's not the same and you lose those bonds. the lafleurs and the rutts affirmed to me that they will remain in my life, to continue to be my friend and to continue to honor mike.

can't wait to visit again friends! and again a HUGE thanks to my mom...you blessed me!