how to step in...

this is hard...my life, my grief. and i can understand how it's difficult to know how to connect with me, how to help, how spend time with me. i've used the phrase "pink elephant in the room" to describe how i feel sometimes. i'm not sure i want to be the center of attention, having my loss put under a spotlight, but it's also hard to not have people acknowledge the reality of my life.

i'm sympathetic that it's awkward and most people simply don't know what to say. but can i be honest and say that what i have to walk through daily doesn't measure up to the few awkward moments you have with me...i don't blame people that their lives have continued, pretty much unphased by mike's absence. but nothing is the same for me.

so i guess i want to offer these thoughts not to vent or complain but to try and invite you to know how to step in...whether it's for me and for someone else who is hurting.

if you don't know what to say, well say that. be honest and real. just sharing that you are aware of me, the reality of my life helps me not feel so alone.

be patient. keep pursuing. some days i desire to connect with people. other days i don't. but my life is chaos and it helps to have steady community around me, knowing that when i am ready to connect they will still be there.

ask questions. some friends sent me this e-mail as we were making plans for dinner: "We are wondering what you need, or if you even know what you need, from our evening together: are you sick of trying to put your experience and feelings into words? Do you long for an opportunity to laugh? cry? Do you just want to hear all about our crazy lives as parents? Would you like to play a game? Watch a movie and veg/zone out? We don't want to assume that we know what you want/need from your "scheduled" dinners that you've been having. I'm assuming that although great, it can be draining to be expected to express your heart with each person/set of people. We love you and of course long to know you and your heart, but we want to create an evening around what YOU long for and need right now! If you just plain don't know what you need, tell us that too, and we'll take the driver's seat for you. I know that your life stopped in some senses, and that although ours haven't been asked to, we want to pause and live your life with you for an evening, even though it seems like such an insignificant gesture at this point." Just by their questions they made me feel safe...

i am learning daily how to journey through grief. and i know i've made mistakes in the past to support others in their grief. i guess that's why i want to be honest about my experiences. so we can all learn and grow to be better for each other.

what changed us...

a significant part of my life with mike, our marriage and the redemption of our hearts was our time at mars hill graduate school. even though we were glad to return to michigan, seattle was always "home" for us. and we missed it...the mountains, water, culture, and of course the community.

there are two AMAZING videos that were created to speak about mars hill, but more importantly how we should live our lives as christians.

what if you truly believe that the gospel can change the world?

what if you truly loved your neighbor as yourself?

fill this pause...

When some beloved voice that was to you
Both sound and sweetness, faileth suddenly,
And silence against which you dare not cry,
Aches round you like a strong disease and new-
What hope? What help? What music will undo
That silence to your sense? Not friendship's sigh,
Not reason's subtle count; not melody
Of viols, nor of pipes that Faunus blew;
Not songs of poets, nor of nightingales
Whose hearts leap upward through the cypress-trees
To the clear moon; nor yet the spheric laws
Self-chanted, nor the angels' sweet 'All hails,'
Met in the smile of God: nay, none of these.
Speak Thou, availing Christ!-and fill this pause.

elizabeth barrett browning, "substitution"

a bittersweet celebration

I'm struck by how the days seems to be both skipping by and creeping along...November seemed like it would never come around. Not that I was looking forward to time moving along, to winter encompassing us here in Michigan.

But there was one event that held some anticipation. Mike's brother Adam's wedding.

I didn't have to think long about whether I wanted to attend the event. Everyone was very supportive on whatever I decided. But I couldn't imagine not witnessing the sacred moment of Adam and Raquel committing their hearts to each other and God. Mike and I were so looking forward to this trip to Southern Cali. It would be our first time to Adam's home for the past four years, and Adam was one of Mike's best friends. We only had met Raquel once but we immediately adored her tender and sweet spirit. Adam and Mike had shared several phone conversations as Adam processed all of the joys and questions that relationships bring. Mike loved journeying with Adam as he developed his relationship with Raquel.

Knowing that Mike wouldn't be present with us, with Adam on his wedding day certainly evoked "it's not fair". When I wonder (and sometimes rage) about the timing of Mike's death, I hate that it happened just short of Adam and Raquel's celebration.

But I was grateful to be with the Powers' for the weekend celebration...We flew out Thursday to Southern California (or So Cal as the locals say) We were immediately seduced by the perfect weather, but turned off by the hideous traffic. I got to share a room with my sis-in-law Kelly and we were partners-in-crime the whole weekend! I just adore her and love how we can laugh and cry with each other.

Adam and Raquel reflected a beautiful spirit about what marriage is really about. God, community, love, grace. And it was so good to experience Adam and Raquel's community...They are generous and authentic people.

Of course I felt the ache of Mike's absence. It was the first major social experience that I had to navigate without him. I felt clumsy and out of place, as though I didn't know what to do with my hands. I kept seeing Mike throughout the day, how he would have laughed and taken such joy in the day. It just isn't right that he's gone...

I held off till the end of the night to have my "ugly" cry...where I could be undone and let the mascara run. And I found myself in the midst of the question "How do I stand in the midst of people's beginnings when I'm in a season of end?"