life is a great bundle of little great things

my list of tangible grace and all good things grows...

13. art, especially when you find it in unexpected places.

14. getting a new, functioning phone. mike would have been so geeked by this new techy toy!

15. gathering on a cool summer night with amazing friends, being serenading by the live musical musings of david gray and ray lamontagne.

16. thai peanut soup from marie catrib's. it's love in a bowl.

17. sleep...it's never overrated.

18. that age is not a sign of the end but a reflection of beautiful experience and sacred wisdom

exits...

it comes to us all.

CHANGE.

like the spare change of dimes and pennies we collect in jars or bowls, we never know what to do with it. maybe if we let the change collect long enough it will be worth something...be transformed into wisdom, perspective, new opportunities, strength, or maybe five bucks!

but before we can get to the other side of change we have to wrestle, ache, lament. some change may cause mild discomfort (like my iphone dying on me this weekend) to more stress-inducing change like selling a house/moving to another state/traveling for work all in one week (sorry dad and betsy!).

and then there's the change that stills the heart and draws you into sacred sorrow. tonight a family is in a season of lament as their baby girl is at eternal rest. i can only imagine the mingling moments of peace, pain, exhaustion, silence, cries, ache, hope they are confronted with. i know Jesus is with them. His tears affirm that shalom is severed, that this wasn't the beauty God intended...even if sweet Bailey is in perfect peace, we still grieve.

so i go to sleep tonight sitting shiva in my heart and mind for my friends...and a broken phone seems like chump change.

thunderstorms make for good alarm clocks

i'm enjoying a quiet sunday and reflecting on some good things...

8. my jobs...being back in higher education is an affirming experience and this busy photography season brings me so much joy!

9. pure michigan moments with my family...some of my extended family came up to saugatuck last week. i love my crazy family! we got to enjoy some perfect beach weather and i hosted them one night for dinner at my home.

10. kayaking...for the first time in two years i took my boat out. it just fills my spirit!

11. all things green. fresh, bright, and earthy.

12. grilled cherries with spicy chocolate sauce...it's divine!

tangible grace...

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

G.K. Chesterton

there continues to be an undercurrent of sadness in me. i'm approaching the two year mark of mike's death and there's a part of me that had hoped my life would be healed and full of happiness. but i'm so quickly distracted by what is absent.

in order to redirect my heart and mind from becoming stuck in the despair i've tried to cultivate more gratitude. to be aware of where there is abundance, tangible grace in my life. so i'm going to start to name my gratitude here. a challenge to once a week list moments, experience, people, anything that has reminded me that this life isn't about being happy, but it's about seeking true joy, peace, truth, compassion, radical love. so i pray that my eyes, ears, heart, mind will be ready to receive the wonder.

1. coffee sweetened with vanilla soy creamer

2. homemade blueberry and strawberry cupcakes

3. facebook...a necessary evil but today it was a place where i connected with friends and was gifted with some new pictures of mike

4. for friends who knew mike, were a part of our story, who grieve with me still

5. seeing familiar faces around calvin's campus today...

6. my bike adorned with a new basket on the front

7. always having a book in my purse, anticipating a free moment to dive into its' pages

still...

i still miss him

i still cry, mostly at night

i still question how this all could have happened

i still ache with loneliness

i still stumble with my new normal

i still lean on God daily to make sense of this darkness

getting back to the basics...

one of the gifts i received from my time working at ada bible church was being reminded that in a world that is over-saturated, over-stimulated, noisy, and all about immediate gratification there is a source of peace, simplicity, and encouragement.

but we take it for granted, it collects dust, we avoid it cause it's intimidating, convicting, confusing, mysterious.

i remember my first one. big and heavy, full of illustrations to help make the stories appeal to a young girl. when i personally committed myself to following Jesus in high school i realized these stories were a love letter to me, from God. i read, studied, highlighted, scribbled notes. it gave me guidance and encouragement during those crazy teen years. but with time i got distracted, bored, undisciplined. during college it was more a reference for homework than something personal or inspiring.

but it was always there. sometimes on a shelf, maybe on the bedside table, a casual companion to church.

but my time serving at the church refreshed my love and trust in this sacred book.

the Bible.

God's word to us.

The Story of brokenness, grace, redemption, love, hope, justice, and peace.

and the more i spent time revisiting the scriptures i found myself filled with joy and wisdom, discernment and hope.

this summer i'm joining a bible study with some of my friends. i could get into my negative connotations towards bible studies, but let's just say they never appealed to me. but as we met for the first time this week i found myself filled with anticipated to explore the Bible with these women. we're starting with the book of Ephesians. i can't wait to know the Bible more intimately and to know my God more personally.

sunday stirrings...

a dear friend gently reminded me that it's been almost two months since i last posted...and a few things have happened in those two months that probably deserve some space on the blog.

so here are some stirrings in my head and heart on this beautiful sunday morning...

1. ch-ch-changes
most of you know but i have recently changed jobs. after working at ada bible church for the past year and having to go through some very difficult discerning about vocation i decided to resign from my position there and i took a job back at calvin college in the admissions office. i am grateful for my time at ada bible, especially for the people. they encouraged and supported me as i stepped back into a career as part of my new normal. and as this new normal began to set more in the realization that i'm on my own and i need to form a life without mike became more solid. so i considered what i wanted to really be doing vocational for long-term and higher education was at the forefront. working with college students, serving in a university just evokes a joy and satisfaction. so i am grateful that i've been able to return to calvin. it's a community that i really believe in and am excited to be a part of.

so my new position is admissions counselor so i will work with prospective students, travel to college fairs, participate in campus visits. i just completed my first week and it's been really good. not sure where my travel territory is but maybe it will take me to your neck of the woods!

2. mi casa
well the house is still on the market. despite the charm and beauty of my home, the market especially here in michigan is still rough. after having to drop the price i find myself getting prepared for the reality that i may stay in my house for a couple of years till the market (hopefully) recovers. i consider this with a lot of mixed emotions. i want to be financially wise about this decision, but there's also the time and work that a home requires that i struggle with. and yet i love this space. honestly there's not to much stress with this, because i feel i've done all that i can and i really trust in God's timing and provision. so i'm grateful i've been able to surrender control over all this.

3. the D word
there's been a lot more talk about dating in my world. people wondering if i'm ready, friends offering to set me up, the looming reality of on-line dating. this whole topic may have to wait for it's own posting...yikes!

4. time
the classic sentiment "there's not enough hours in the day" is what my life feels like. between wedding photography, changing jobs, taking care of the house, trying to stay connected with family and friends, having space for me....i just feel like i'm failing to stay on top of everything. summer has finally emerged here in michigan and i've done little to enjoy it. so here's to hoping for more bike rides, evenings on my front porch, playing with my nephews and niece, lingering through the farmer's market...i just want a pure michigan summer! (every time i hear these commercials i get a bit emotional! ha!)