an untold story

three.

2011-09-26T21:35:00.003-04:00

i don't like the word "hate". i try to refrain from using it in casual conversation, cause with every mention it loses the weight of it's meaning. it should be reserved and entrusted for things that really warrant it's sentiment.

so i say with no apologies that i hate september 27th. i approach this day with anger cause it marks the moment when my life was severed and dismantled. when my best friend, my husband, one of kindest, most generous and loving people i knew was no longer. the first day of a long and weary journey into grief...i know some people fear facing these anniversaries and choose to distract, ignore or dismiss it. it's just too much to remember. honestly, for me i want to confront it, fight it, kick it, give it the middle finger.

but hopefully if you know me well, you know i just don't have it in me to linger long in this anger. not that it's not justified. i believe there is a place to feel righteously angered towards death, towards brokenness, to signs that this is not God's shalom. i feel all the time that God laments with me. and yet....and yet He compels me to lean into His hope, to receive His promises. anytime someone comments to me "I don't know how you get through this" or "You're so strong" (and yes I want to balk at these comments every time) i know it is because of my faith. my smile, my joy, when i laugh, when i start to dream and hope for what may be...it's because of this radical, redemptive Love.

as much as i hate this day, it has been the ones that have followed that allowed me to encounter God in some beautiful and sacred ways. and while i still can't give thanks or be at peace with the purpose of Mike's death, there is this gratitude or perhaps perspective on life, relationships, faith, loss that i never would have had before...and that is what I want to take away from this day. i trust that this perspective will serve a purpose, will shape my life into one that can serve others, enable me to be more loving, kind, giving.

Mike's ability to befriend people, care for them with such a generous spirit, unable to hold grudges, always curious...I think about that often and want to emulate it, make him proud of how I'm living. I miss his friendship the most. wishing his was here to talk about my job, the house, to meet all the new people that have come into my life recently (side note....my gratitude runs deep for the friendships i've made these past years, to have people want to step into my life and not be intimidated by my story. you know who you are...you're the best.)

so after three years i still don't know how to answer the very kind question that many of you ask..."how are you doing?" it remains complicated and ever changing. many days i wish i could say i'm great and i'm on the other side of this....i'm not sure that's even how it's supposed to be. but i have much in life that blesses me and enriches me. and that is where i want to navigate my heart...towards gratitude. for Mike, for how he shaped me into who i am, for those who have walked with me, my family, for new friendships, a beautiful home, my needs being met, a great place to work, for wine :)

so thank you for the calls and cards and notes and prayers and hopes...i feel them and they carry me through hard days like today. much love to you...

(and now i have to mention my surprise that it's been over a year since i've written on this blog...thanks for the nudge mom. hopefully i'll carve out more time and space to write...)

a saturday prayer

2010-08-28T22:29:00.001-04:00

life is a great bundle of little great things

2010-08-24T21:17:00.003-04:00

my list of tangible grace and all good things grows...

13. art, especially when you find it in unexpected places.

14. getting a new, functioning phone. mike would have been so geeked by this new techy toy!

15. gathering on a cool summer night with amazing friends, being serenading by the live musical musings of david gray and ray lamontagne.

16. thai peanut soup from marie catrib's. it's love in a bowl.

17. sleep...it's never overrated.

18. that age is not a sign of the end but a reflection of beautiful experience and sacred wisdom

exits...

2010-08-15T23:10:00.005-04:00

it comes to us all.

CHANGE.

like the spare change of dimes and pennies we collect in jars or bowls, we never know what to do with it. maybe if we let the change collect long enough it will be worth something...be transformed into wisdom, perspective, new opportunities, strength, or maybe five bucks!

but before we can get to the other side of change we have to wrestle, ache, lament. some change may cause mild discomfort (like my iphone dying on me this weekend) to more stress-inducing change like selling a house/moving to another state/traveling for work all in one week (sorry dad and betsy!).

and then there's the change that stills the heart and draws you into sacred sorrow. tonight a family is in a season of lament as their baby girl is at eternal rest. i can only imagine the mingling moments of peace, pain, exhaustion, silence, cries, ache, hope they are confronted with. i know Jesus is with them. His tears affirm that shalom is severed, that this wasn't the beauty God intended...even if sweet Bailey is in perfect peace, we still grieve.

so i go to sleep tonight sitting shiva in my heart and mind for my friends...and a broken phone seems like chump change.

thunderstorms make for good alarm clocks

2010-08-08T10:23:00.005-04:00

i'm enjoying a quiet sunday and reflecting on some good things...

8. my jobs...being back in higher education is an affirming experience and this busy photography season brings me so much joy!

9. pure michigan moments with my family...some of my extended family came up to saugatuck last week. i love my crazy family! we got to enjoy some perfect beach weather and i hosted them one night for dinner at my home.

10. kayaking...for the first time in two years i took my boat out. it just fills my spirit!

11. all things green. fresh, bright, and earthy.

12. grilled cherries with spicy chocolate sauce...it's divine!

tangible grace...

2010-07-26T22:34:00.006-04:00

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

G.K. Chesterton

there continues to be an undercurrent of sadness in me. i'm approaching the two year mark of mike's death and there's a part of me that had hoped my life would be healed and full of happiness. but i'm so quickly distracted by what is absent.

in order to redirect my heart and mind from becoming stuck in the despair i've tried to cultivate more gratitude. to be aware of where there is abundance, tangible grace in my life. so i'm going to start to name my gratitude here. a challenge to once a week list moments, experience, people, anything that has reminded me that this life isn't about being happy, but it's about seeking true joy, peace, truth, compassion, radical love. so i pray that my eyes, ears, heart, mind will be ready to receive the wonder.

1. coffee sweetened with vanilla soy creamer

2. homemade blueberry and strawberry cupcakes

3. facebook...a necessary evil but today it was a place where i connected with friends and was gifted with some new pictures of mike

4. for friends who knew mike, were a part of our story, who grieve with me still

5. seeing familiar faces around calvin's campus today...

6. my bike adorned with a new basket on the front

7. always having a book in my purse, anticipating a free moment to dive into its' pages

still...

2010-07-24T00:23:00.003-04:00

i still miss him

i still cry, mostly at night

i still question how this all could have happened

i still ache with loneliness

i still stumble with my new normal

i still lean on God daily to make sense of this darkness

getting back to the basics...

2010-07-15T21:44:00.003-04:00

one of the gifts i received from my time working at ada bible church was being reminded that in a world that is over-saturated, over-stimulated, noisy, and all about immediate gratification there is a source of peace, simplicity, and encouragement.

but we take it for granted, it collects dust, we avoid it cause it's intimidating, convicting, confusing, mysterious.

i remember my first one. big and heavy, full of illustrations to help make the stories appeal to a young girl. when i personally committed myself to following Jesus in high school i realized these stories were a love letter to me, from God. i read, studied, highlighted, scribbled notes. it gave me guidance and encouragement during those crazy teen years. but with time i got distracted, bored, undisciplined. during college it was more a reference for homework than something personal or inspiring.

but it was always there. sometimes on a shelf, maybe on the bedside table, a casual companion to church.

but my time serving at the church refreshed my love and trust in this sacred book.

the Bible.

God's word to us.

The Story of brokenness, grace, redemption, love, hope, justice, and peace.

and the more i spent time revisiting the scriptures i found myself filled with joy and wisdom, discernment and hope.

this summer i'm joining a bible study with some of my friends. i could get into my negative connotations towards bible studies, but let's just say they never appealed to me. but as we met for the first time this week i found myself filled with anticipated to explore the Bible with these women. we're starting with the book of Ephesians. i can't wait to know the Bible more intimately and to know my God more personally.

sunday stirrings...

2010-07-11T11:07:00.007-04:00

a dear friend gently reminded me that it's been almost two months since i last posted...and a few things have happened in those two months that probably deserve some space on the blog.

so here are some stirrings in my head and heart on this beautiful sunday morning...

1. ch-ch-changes
most of you know but i have recently changed jobs. after working at ada bible church for the past year and having to go through some very difficult discerning about vocation i decided to resign from my position there and i took a job back at calvin college in the admissions office. i am grateful for my time at ada bible, especially for the people. they encouraged and supported me as i stepped back into a career as part of my new normal. and as this new normal began to set more in the realization that i'm on my own and i need to form a life without mike became more solid. so i considered what i wanted to really be doing vocational for long-term and higher education was at the forefront. working with college students, serving in a university just evokes a joy and satisfaction. so i am grateful that i've been able to return to calvin. it's a community that i really believe in and am excited to be a part of.

so my new position is admissions counselor so i will work with prospective students, travel to college fairs, participate in campus visits. i just completed my first week and it's been really good. not sure where my travel territory is but maybe it will take me to your neck of the woods!

2. mi casa
well the house is still on the market. despite the charm and beauty of my home, the market especially here in michigan is still rough. after having to drop the price i find myself getting prepared for the reality that i may stay in my house for a couple of years till the market (hopefully) recovers. i consider this with a lot of mixed emotions. i want to be financially wise about this decision, but there's also the time and work that a home requires that i struggle with. and yet i love this space. honestly there's not to much stress with this, because i feel i've done all that i can and i really trust in God's timing and provision. so i'm grateful i've been able to surrender control over all this.

3. the D word
there's been a lot more talk about dating in my world. people wondering if i'm ready, friends offering to set me up, the looming reality of on-line dating. this whole topic may have to wait for it's own posting...yikes!

4. time
the classic sentiment "there's not enough hours in the day" is what my life feels like. between wedding photography, changing jobs, taking care of the house, trying to stay connected with family and friends, having space for me....i just feel like i'm failing to stay on top of everything. summer has finally emerged here in michigan and i've done little to enjoy it. so here's to hoping for more bike rides, evenings on my front porch, playing with my nephews and niece, lingering through the farmer's market...i just want a pure michigan summer! (every time i hear these commercials i get a bit emotional! ha!)

where i watch the world go by...

2010-05-16T22:30:00.009-04:00

if there is one piece of my home that i could take with me, it's my front porch.

it's everything a porch should be. offers you shelter from sun and rain, but allows the breeze to touch you. always a fresh fragrance of flowers or cut grass. the silence is restful and is occasionally broken by soft birdsong. it calls you to linger over your morning coffee or evening wine. it's the cats' lazy spot.

good chance if you spend time at my house and if the temperature is favorable, i'll invite you to sit on my porch. there will be wine and something to taste. it's simple living, but it is the very best that i can imagine.

and a shout out to an amazing local flavor...the redheads make this pesto hummus that will remind you why food should be an experience. it's amazing! you can find it at forest hills food and harvest health.

love is yellow flowers

2010-05-15T21:27:00.006-04:00

may 13th.

i was struck this year how one day can hold a dozen different meanings for people. for some this day was about birthdays, anniversaries of a tragic tornado (kalamazoo tornado), wedding days, even the proposed day of ascension for Christ.

my definition of this day is that it's my wedding anniversary. it would have been ten years.

mike and i had talked about how we wanted to celebrate our ten year anniversary. our plans took us to places like ireland or italy, perhaps a trip to aruba where we would linger on the beach, being lazy.

it's now a day that mingles the joy and sadness.

i loved being married. to mike.

our wedding day was sweet and loving. we were young, hopeful and naive on our wedding day. over the years we knew love to be something that doesn't exist only in happiness but in quiet moments, simple places, and even in the face of our brokenness. i am deeply grateful for my eight years of marriage.

and i hate that is all i had.

i've made it a new tradition to mark this day to go out for a date with a dear friend. we eat at a favorite restaurant that mike and i would have celebrated at.

and i remember.

our love, our failures, what made me giddy about mike, what i miss about him.

this year my lovely friend kristin was my date. we made plans to dine at rose's. we walked by reed's lake and i told kristin the story of how mike proposed to me at this park. we had a fun meal (despite an obnoxiously large party of college kids...but rose's management took care of us! another reason why it's such a classy restaurant) and lingered over some steamy lattes.

kristin gave me eight yellow roses, to mark my years with mike.

she, like so many of you, entered into this day with me. your notes, messages, remembrance filled my heart. it's amazing where love shows up.

the day was not without some laughter. in addition to my flowers, kristin brought with us into the car two white balloons. i didn't ask her at first what they were for, trusting that she would share when it was right. as we drove off to rose's i decided to open up my sunroof. we finally had some sunshine here in michigan and i wanted to breathe in some fresh spring air. we then both heard a zipping noise, as the white balloons were sucked out of the sunroof and into the sky. as i glanced at them in my rearview mirror we both sat there in shock and laughter soon emerged. i felt so bad that they had flown away pre-maturely and yet it was such a comical moment! kristin shared that the two white balloons were to represent my two years without mike and we were going to release them over reed's lake. while it would have been beautiful to have had that moment, we embrace the accidental joy that came from the balloons breaking free.

so i found my way through another day where the grief seems to be a bit deeper. but i just have to look at my window sill, where a ball of yellow flowers sits and remember that i have known love with mike and i continue to know love because of you.

safety of the sheets

2010-05-12T15:53:00.006-04:00

some mornings.

you want to stay in the safety of your sheets, the covers creating a soft and squishy fort against the sorrow that seems to be waiting.

i have these mornings.

my dear friend marlana introduced me to this artist of words, ann voskamp, who named so gracefully and honestly what these moments feel like. maybe for many of us. i'm not alone right?

here are some of her words:

"Shadows of depression can ride up like a highway man in the night and and steal away all the silver linings.

I wake on a Sunday to his cantering away.

I lay in the bed a long time.

The legs, the spirit, too heavy to move. The sun’s high already, the sheets warm. I make a point of not looking at my watch or the bedside clock’s hands ticking, vainly trying to nudge me out.

Maybe I can bury myself deep under covers, a bunker, escape today and no one will notice? "

"When the problems before you seem to loom larger than the Power behind you, the purpose in living falls right out from underneath of you....Our greatest triumphs are always our most solitary ones and every great triumph begins with the decision to get out of bed.

I throw back the covers."

"To my dust and my smudges and my grime and my love-smeared mess. Why can’t I remember: the state of my space doesn’t reflect the state of my soul."

"I do the next thing. Clean off the table.

'Thank you, Lord, for the food that filled these dishes, that I am well and here and I can clean off this table.'

It sounds mechanical. And a tad lame. It is. I am doing the next thing.

Wipe the counters. And I say it aloud,

'Thank you, Lord, for water to wash off counters and that the dust bunnies around here haven’t yet grown into monsters and that the jam stuck sticky all over everything really does just wash off, and for this husband that treats me tender when I’m stuck.'

Can I feel the stirrings… the lifting?"

"God doesn’t ask me to be perfect; He asks me to praise.

I don’t have to have smudgeless windows and empty laundry baskets and gleamy toilet bowls! I don’t have to have a perfect life, all problems solved! I think I hear the Hallelujah chorus!

I simply need have a grateful heart to give Him glory.

Gratitude in all things is the only thing God asks."

well i find my way into the day, after the relentless nudging from my cats and the hope that what i will encounter will evoke more gratitude than sorrow.

to read her full post and more of her writings go to...

What do to do when you want to give up and stay in bed-holy experience

anybody want a house???

2010-04-26T10:24:00.002-04:00

My agent Kevin Yoder has done a great job marketing my house. Check it out:

GRAR.com (Public site):

http://mls.grar.com/GRARReports/ListitLib/show_report.aspx?ID=9314185227

Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmnLM-YLF70

http://253Hobart.View24Hours.com

an irish prayer

2010-04-14T11:13:00.002-04:00

Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me,

Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me.

Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet,

Christ in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

St. Patrick

pour out...

2010-04-12T14:20:00.004-04:00

Pour out your water
That I might take a sip
Your love consumes me
Every drip
It is like Honey
On my lips
Pour out your water
That I might take a sip

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need

Pour out your mercy
and clear this busy mind
your love is like eden
a slice of apple pie
It is like sugar on my toung
So pour out your mercy
clear my busy mind

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need

shawn mcdonald

take a listen...

Pour Out - Shawn McDonald

the hobart home....

2010-04-10T09:52:00.004-04:00

spring is about new beginnings, new birth. in my case these new beginnings don't come without endings.

so another ending is that I'm putting our hobart home up for sale next week. there's a lot i could share about this process and i will....but for now I'd thought I'd link back to a couple of old posts from the blog about our home, the first post written by mike (he rarely wrote on the blog so it's nice to have a record of his words)

http://an-untold-story.blogspot.com/2006/08/empty-house.html

http://an-untold-story.blogspot.com/2007/03/house-happenings.html

http://an-untold-story.blogspot.com/2007/04/paint-by-numbers.html

http://an-untold-story.blogspot.com/2007/09/time-to-return.html (this one was also written by mike...he was such an amazing writer!)

i will write more in the coming days and even share some pics of what the house looks like now. had an amazing team of helpers these past few months finish up some lingering projects and now the house looks great!

2010-03-18T09:12:00.002-04:00

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain

If I can ease one life the aching

or cool one pain

or help one fainting

robin unto his nest again

I shall not live in vain

emily dickinson

get by with a lil' help from my friends...

2010-03-15T13:38:00.002-04:00

WORK DAY AT THE HOBART HOME
THIS SATURDAY MARCH 20TH 9AM-3 PM
We need help with moving furniture, cleaning, hanging some hardware and some other odds and ends. So if you have a couple of hours to give please join us. Contact Kristin Kuiper at curtandkristin@hotmail.com

Food will be provided with a large side of gratitude.

my natural inclination is to be stubborn, self-reliant, and avoid being a burden to others.

it's hard to ask for help.

i confess that one of the many things i miss about mike is having a partner, someone i could lean on, ask for help, tackle projects together with. didn't matter if other people weren't around, he was there.

i find myself conflicted now that mike is gone. part of me says that i can handle all of this on my own. i'm capable, talented, strong, resourceful. i can figure out how to hang a set of blinds, organize my taxes, sell my house. but i don't want to be alone in figuring this out. when i've coerced friends to come paint with me, it's not so much for their time and talent but for their company. (although the time and talent was VERY helpful!)

i am having one more work day this saturday to help me finish up some projects so i can place my home on the market this spring. if you have a couple of hours to give your presence would be so appreciated!

it's smells like life...

2010-03-10T11:40:00.005-05:00

i have been thinking about the change of the seasons. i don't want to miss spring this year. i want to be there on the spot the moment the grass turns green.

annie dillard

with spring inching it's way in i've been anticipating that first scent of fresh, earthy, mud, grass, life. the snow is dissipating, patches of hibernating ground are revealed and my spring bulbs are peeking through.

i need to be reminded of life, of renewal, that there is another side to our "winters".

an update on my lent adventures...i am coming to terms that I am not a very self-disciplined person and it's a daily choice and focus to remain faithful to these commitments. taking a break from facebook has been easy and i had a friend change my password so i can't even access it if i wanted to.

sugar...well that's a different story.

i miss chocolate. a lot. and with the weather getting warmer i dream of creamy scoops of ice cream.

i can't say that i'm finding more moments to reflection, rest, process this lent season. work, house projects, photography business seem to take precedence. life feels unsettled, rushed, and i'm just hanging on to this unpredictable ride. so i can say it affirms for me that i long for more simplicity, to slow life down, to prioritize where i will give of myself, to intentionally engage in my life, instead of feeling at the mercy of it all.

so as another winter passes i can say i am anxious and hopeful for what new things will emerge for me this spring.

fell off the wagon...

2010-02-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

So after three days of enduring headaches and distracting cravings for sugary treats, by day four I started off feeling good. I even resisted these delightful fruity crepes for breakfast. Later that day I started to feel sick…maybe the flu, maybe stress, maybe it was the wave of grief that seemed to come over me. In that moment all I wanted was one of my favorite comforts when I’m feeling sick. Ginger ale. So I poured myself a glass and felt a tinge of disappointment that I fell of the sugar wagon. I came up with many rationalizations…It’s for medicinal reasons, it’s only one glass of pop (at 39 grams of sugar!!!), haven’t I had to sacrifice enough these past couple of years, I deserve to eat sugar if I want to.

Well as this internal conversation continued I came to a few reflections…

I was struck that as I experienced feeling ill and the weight of my grief I didn’t turn to something that would really sustain me. I went for a quick-fix comfort. Did the ginger ale really heal my ache? It might have made my stomach feel a little better but my heart still hurt. I wanted something tangible and something I could control. If I went to God with my pain, well He’s sometimes mysterious, doesn’t always respond right away, and won’t always give me the answer I’m looking for. But in the end He always offers me comfort and grace. But in that moment I wasn’t patient or trusting enough. Please know that in my critical analysis of my tumbling off the wagon I feel no shame or lasting guilt. I don’t think God is looking for a perfect record of abstaining from sugar for 40 days. I think the hope is that I learn more about myself, my heart. And I’m trying to be faithful to that.

I’m listening to the Lent series at Mars Hill Bible Church where they are studying the book of Jonah (yup the guy and the whale). Some points that struck me were when the pastor said we’ve learned to settle for surface happiness in the place of deep joy. Too often we connect our happiness with life circumstances. I found myself just the other day telling a friend how amazing it is that God has blessed her with a great job and wonderful kids and a loving marriage. Not that these things aren’t a blessing. But what if she didn’t have all these things? Would that mean God doesn’t love her as much? The fact that my husband died absurdly young, that we weren’t able to have children, does that mean I have no cause for joy in my life? The JOY God offers is immovable, is not dependent on circumstances and can exist in the presence of pain. I admit I struggle to know how to really experience this kind of joy because our world does not measure our happiness in the same manner. And this joy doesn’t seem to naturally happen. In some ways it feels like it is a choice of the heart and mind not an emotional reaction.

So I guess one hope I have for this Lenten journey is that I won’t continue to look to a pint of ice cream for immediate happiness (although there is something heavenly about hagendaz’s chocolate peanut butter) but that I can find my way to the immovable joy.

A season of letting go…and taking in

2010-02-17T15:15:00.002-05:00

Lent.

Lent is intended to resurrect our joy. Lent originally meant "springtime": the word comes from the Old English word for "spring," lencten, which came from lengan, "to make longer"—reminding us that the slow, wonderful lengthening of this season in our souls can signal an end to a winter of bitterness and the flowering of Christ's love in us.

For me this is a season in my faith that challenges me to let go of things that may be hindering my relationship with God, my own wellness, my growth. But I also like to make this a time to draw new things in…To replace what hinders me with what can enrich me, or free me.

So this lent season i have decided to let go of spending time on facebook and sugar. Facebook tends to be a superficial means for me to connect with others. It usually sucks up time and is just media noise in my life. So I’m taking a break…and when I feel the urge to check out people’s statuses I’ll give them a call or even write them a letter. To engage with my real friends (and not the 600+ I’ve accumulated).

Sugar is the source of cravings all day long. Already I’m craving something sweet as I write this, a little pick-me up as I’m hitting the 2 o’clock afternoon slump. I struggle with headaches, lack of energy, struggle with sleep. So I need a sugar detox. No candy, cookies, ice cream, cream/sugar for my coffee, chocolate…I am hopeful to not be as dependant on sugar to sustain me but to develop new healthy habits. To be more conscious and intentional about my eating.

It’s funny how when you choose to fast from something you’re attention on that item increases significantly. It seems like all I can notice today are all the sugar items at my office. A box of valentines day cookies coated in red sugar are taunting me, and I don’t even like these cookies. But because I can’t have them I want them!

I did indulge in one last taste of sugar this morning at my favorite breakfast spot, the Cheri Inn. Their cinnamon french toast is delightful…I savored every bite. It felt like a treat, like an experience to have such a rich, sugary dish. And I believed I enjoyed it more than most other times where I just eat it.

I hope by eliminating these tangible things that deeper needs will be revealed and I can address where I need to grow. To confront my anxieties and fears. To bring my laments to God as I continue to face new grief ripples (the secondary losses from mike’s death…)

I will do my best to journal and share with you this process. I think to make the most of this lent season I need to put to words the challenges, blessings, insights, questions that emerge…

grandparents...

2010-01-29T20:04:00.003-05:00

yesterday my grandma schleyer passed away, quietly in her sleep. she was my last grandparent so the loss of her presence seems to have even more significance.

there's much of her life that i never really knew. but what i did know of her was that she was independent, strong-willed (or a bit stubborn), intelligent, honest, fiercely protective and loving. one of my favorite memories of my grandma is how she gave us applesauce with red hots in it and we swirled it to make pink applesauce! i thought it was magic...

love you grandma!

my christmas tree...

2009-12-23T14:21:00.005-05:00

this year i didn't get an actually christmas tree but did put out a few favorite decorations...and one of them is my christmas card tree. with curly, swirly branches ready to hold christmas cards and family pictures. if you know me, you know i adore getting real mail...your name handwritten on an envelope, containing maybe a funny or sentimental card, affirming to you that someone, somewhere took the time to write you a note (as opposed to the convienant e-mail or text message). and christmas time always increases the personal mail that is delievered. now i confess that i haven't always been reliant about sending out my own christmas cards. most years they end up being a winter's greeting card (but is there ever a bad time to receive a card???)

so just wanted to say thanks to everyone who thought of me, added me to your christmas card list, sent me wishes of joy, hope and peace. when i look at my christmas card tree i am reminded that i am loved by many...

o come, o come...

2009-12-23T13:48:00.006-05:00

on the fringe of the christmas festivities that are about to erupt i (like many of you i'm sure) feel taken aback by how quickly we are at this time of year. over the course of this year time has been elusive, sometimes sluggish, and other times rapid. i certainly feel ambivalent about this christmas...

last year i was still dense in the fog of grief so the holidays didn't even register. as i approached this year i had hopes of engaging in the celebrations and the traditions. i wanted to enjoy my last christmas in my house, as i prepare to sell it this spring. i longed to reclaimed and maybe reinvent the holidays so they held some semblance of joy for me. and while some of these attempts have provided me with more enjoyment of the holidays, the absence of mike is just as severe. maybe a bit harder because we're so accustomed that with time things heal and get better. but no amount of healing or the many blessings i've received after losing mike can fully replace the ache i have for him. yes, i can say that there have been dozens of moments of grace where I know God has cared for me, where family and friends have loved me through this season. but he's still gone. with time, the reality of his death becomes more stark, more raw. and with a new year approaching (and my birthday) i continue to resent the fact that mike won't experience 2010 with me, that i continue to grow older without him.

so this christmas continues to be a longing for God to come...to come and bring peace to our world that is riddled with pain, loss, injustice, poverty, hate, loneliness, sickness. i continue to find hope in this sentiment from walter brueggemann: advent "is the voice of those who know profound grief, who articulate it and do not cover it over...And because the hurt is expressed to the One whose rule is not in doubt, this community of hurt is profoundly a community of hope."

so i'll end with one of my favorite christmas hymns..."o come, o come emmanuel" by rosie thomas.

say my name...

2009-11-23T16:25:00.003-05:00

in preparation for doing some marriage counseling with a couple i was reading up on some ideas regarding communication, one of the key elements of a strong relationship.

walter wangerin, jr. offers this interesting reflection on speaking someones name:

"And name this listener. I've observed that people speak and repeat the names of their pets more than they do the names of their spouses. Where dogs are concerned, they know the value of the sound alone. Where spouses are concerned, they seem ignorant that the name, the very pronunciation of it, carries gentle force and affection. There is a deep, primitive response to the mere syllables of one's own name..."Dear", and "darling" and "honey" are not bad titles. But in time they are freighted with a host of other connotations. Speak her name. It's the most personal, most meaningful way we have of saying, "You".

(as for me and my house)

of course i think this translates outside of the marriage too. i think speaking someones name affirms their presence, gives them substance (how often do we acknowledge our waitress or barista by their names?) speaking their name says "I notice you, am aware of your value. You're not simply here to fulfill my need to be heard." it's harder to judge, be annoyed with, dismiss someone when you speak their name.

so say someones name. make this big, chaotic world a little smaller, a little warmer and kinder.

a few ramblings...

2009-11-10T08:16:00.009-05:00

i contemplated several subjects for this blog post but couldn't really commit to one, so here's just a few ramblings from my heart, my mind, my life.

- with such intentional energy and emotion given to september, the month of october barely seemed to exist. i'm in denial that it's november already.

- i spent a couple of rich hours with a friend yesterday, who's has her own story of loss. the tears in her eyes showed me love, her affirming that i find a place in her thoughts everyday eased my loneliness.

- words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' "crazy".

- i saw someone already displaying their christmas lights. i passionately protest this premature celebrating. give thanksgiving a chance!

- i am uncertain how i feel about entering into the holidays this year. running away to kauai is very tempting...

- i have a new housemate, ashley. it's nice to share my home, but also strange. another reminder of how this isn't the life i imagined.

- "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." mother teresa

- i'm prepping the house (and my heart) to place our home on the market come march. very uncertain of what will be next...rent, own, camp???

- i am enjoying my job. it's fulfilling and challenging. engages both my heart and mind. i work with good people. very grateful...

- my last rambling actually is best articulated by another widow:

I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn't miss dating; I didn't long for freedom; I didn't feel limited; I didn't fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I weren't the picture of married perfection, but even our imperfections were unique to us, and I miss those too (well, sometimes).

I longed to be gently held, to discuss the day in hushed voices before drifting off to sleep, to reach out in the night and not find a cold, empty space beside me. I wanted to have a date for dinner parties, share the household duties, feel the need to hurry home because someone was there waiting for me, get a checking in call on my cell phone in the middle of the day, have a person to call when I forgot to pick up the bread at the store, and to know that there was one person in the world who chose to put me first in his life because he loved me that much.

After the initial fog of grief lifted (sorry, I can't tell you when exactly), I was able to clearly articulate what I wanted from a new relationship. But being willing to risk loving again took me a much longer time. The idea of loving and losing again would immediately accelerate my breathing. The thought of someone who knew Phil seeing me with another man would begin a chorus of voices in my head asking question after question about my devotion to him: what would seeing another man mean, what would people think, and how long should I wait? Though I knew what I wanted from the life I was left to lead without Phil, I stumbled repeatedly over roadblocks I built for myself.

Michele Neff Hernandez from A Widow's Voice

I don't know if God will bring someone into my life again...I hope for this possibility, to be a wife again, to be a mom. A few weeks ago my heart was gripped with the fear of loneliness, the dread of "dating" again, the awkwardness of singlehood. I prayed (A LOT) when I would feel overcome by these fears that God would protect my heart, help me to wait in the uncertainty, give me peace and contentment for the life I have today. It didn't happen overnight but today I feel drawn so close to God, that my heart can rest and trust in Him, that I don't feel consumed by the fears and dreads of new relationships. And tomorrow I may struggle again. But I will come back to the things I know to be true...God loves me fiercely. He desires to bless me. He's there with me when my hopes are unmet.

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
— Virginia Woolf

I think I've fully unfolded all of my current ramblins'...thanks for taking a moment out of your day to notice me!

laugh...

2009-11-02T21:20:00.003-05:00

the most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

e. e. cummings

doesn't matter how sad or stressed out i'm feelin' my three nephews and niece always can make me smile!

celebrating...

2009-10-11T20:39:00.004-04:00

today marks the birthday of two people in my life whom i just love...

my nephew luke is eight...eight! he's this great combination of tenderness and mischievous humor. doesn't matter what he's done wrong, when he gives you that smile you can't be mad. my affection for luke has grown even more as i see so much of mike in him. the common nuances and quirks the two of these share is kind of crazy, but there's a comfort in it too. and let's just talk about how gorgeous the kid is...he's going to break a lot of hearts!

and then my dear friend nalini...the girl exudes this joy and peace. she's been a source of strength and comfort this year, and she can get me laughing. i feel so blessed to have her in my life.

happy brithday nal and lukie! i love you so much...

your music. your motion.

2009-09-28T20:01:00.003-04:00

my friend curt is a part of a business that just launched this amazing iphone app...cadence

i am super proud of him. mike would have been proud of him.

if you workout, run, play you should check out this iphone app (which also works on the ipod touch and your desktop)

shalom...

2009-09-28T16:51:00.008-04:00

simply it means peace. but this hebrew word has more layers...It means nothing missing, nothing broken, wholeness, perfect delight.

it is God's original design. but we know that His beautiful design has been broken, shalom has been severed. we struggle, we hurt, we fail, we ache.

when mike died, my shalom was severed. my sense of wholeness, beauty, hope stripped away. in the midst of my lamenting, i knew God was near, grieving that His design for peace was once again incomplete.

but shalom will only severed for a season. we will know perfect beauty, love, peace again. mike is living in perfect shalom now. how can i not find joy knowing that my love is whole again, no longer feeling pain, no longer struggling with his failures. and i believe i will experience this shalom too...not yet, but someday.

i wanted a tangible reminder of this season. to know that there will be perfect peace, that mike is in the midst of that. but that my shalom has been broken and i can lament, grieve, ache. and that God is with me in it.

so this past saturday, my best friends, kindred spirits, "sisters" kristin and kelly came with me to mark myself. here are some pictures of getting my tattoo of shalom.

before...

i was a little nervous...but aaron at mos eisley's did an amazing job!

after...it actually didn't hurt as much as i anticipated. but as i told someone the pain of getting a tattoo was part of the process.

shadows

2009-09-22T17:01:00.002-04:00

Today I really began to feel the shadows creep in, within, over, through, around me.

One year is coming.

One year without Mike's voice, laughter, kisses, hugs, hearing him zipping home on his vespa, watching "The Office" with him, road trips to Traverse City, eating really great food, ending our days together, sharing coffee to start our days.

This is beyond hard...I want to tell God it's too much, make it end. Bring him back to me. Or maybe erase my mind and heart of how real and good it was sharing life with Mike. Cause then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much now.

milk toasts...

2009-09-12T12:51:00.003-04:00

i wanted to be able to enter today, mike's birthday, celebrating him like i always loved to do. growing up birthdays were pretty simple in mike's family, but i love to make a big deal of them. so i often had to encourage mike to receive my celebration, that he deserved people making a big-to-do over him.

i wanted today to be a day where my heart was filled with joy in remembrance of mike...but everything in me is hurting. i want him to be here so i can wake him up in the morning with "happy birthday baby", i want to be able to hug and kiss him, i want to take him out for a decadent meal at a favorite restaurant, i want him to receive dozens of notes/cards/phone calls from everyone who loves him.

i wish my heart was ready to just celebrate, but it's just filled with grief, ache, loneliness.

so maybe today you can celebrate him for me. remember him, who he was, a favorite moment. and raise a cold glass of milk (his absolute favorite drink of choice) and toast to our amazing mike...

2009-09-02T20:05:00.003-04:00

Torch by Alanis Morrisette

I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way.
miss your approach to life and your body in my bed.
miss your take on anything and the music you would play.
miss cracking up and wrestling, our debriefs at end of day.

these are things that i miss.
these are not times for the weak of heart.
these are the days of raw despondence.
i never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

i miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write.
miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand.
miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends.
miss our big sur getaways.
and to watch you love my dogs.

these are things that i miss.
these are not times for the weak of heart
these are the days of raw despondence.
I never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

One step one prayer
I soldier on, simulating, moving on.

I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids.
And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief.

these are things that i miss.
these are not times for the weak of heart
these are the days of raw despondence.
I never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

september...

2009-09-01T18:25:00.002-04:00

people have been kind in saying what a gift I have with words and how they have been blessed by my writing.

but I sit here in front of my computer, struggling to find the words...

september.

the month of mike's beginning and end.

he should be celebrating 34 years of life on september 12th.

i hate september 27th.

confessions of a widow...

2009-07-31T19:42:00.004-04:00

Growing up I was told that I could do anything I put my mind to and regardless of being a "girl" that didn't mean I wasn't capable of accomplishing anything. I believe in the equality and empowerment of women.

So my confession...I miss having Mike around to do "man" things. House-projects, car maintenance, computer-techy stuff. He was good at that stuff and always took care of those needs. And since Mike's passing, when my car was acting up or my computer was jammed up I found myself mad at Mike for leaving me. And I was mad at myself for feeling incompetent and "needy".

I have wrestled through these domestic issues, reading my car's manual about a broken windshield wiper or most recently figuring out how to reset my wireless connection (and I felt like a rockstar when it actually worked!) And I learn to extend grace towards myself....that there's nothing wrong in feeling "needy" or desiring a man's presence.

another torn cloth...

2009-07-14T23:52:00.003-04:00

as another day came to a close i checked my e-mails only to receive the news that one of my college friends lost her mom this morning. her mom had been battling brain cancer for over a year. tragically this same friend has a son who has been battling with leukemia for a few years now. it's hard to imagine how much pain and trials this family has had to endure...

this friend and i had briefly reconnected this past year, only running into each other a few times. but in those brief moments i could see in her similar battle wounds that come from grief. there's a weariness , but also a resolve to be strong. there's tenderness and vulnerability. there's no place for small talk, but an ache to be real, authentic. while i hadn't seen her in a few years, i trusted her with my pain because i knew she had been walking through similar valleys.

Kriah, an ancient Jewish tradition, is the Hebrew word meaning "tearing." It refers to the act of tearing one's clothes or cutting a black ribbon worn on one's clothes. This rending is a striking expression of grief and anger at the loss of a loved one.

a few months ago mars hill bible church did a series on lamenting. we were given black strips of fabric, a tangible symbol of our griefs, our laments. i carry this torn cloth with me, to remind me to ache, to release my lament to God.

tonight another cloth is torn..for kathy's life. for her family and friends who will celebrate her life and ache for her presence.

today...

2009-07-14T22:05:00.002-04:00

OUTSIDE MY WINDOW...... freshly cut lawn (it’s been about three weeks since the last time)

I AM THINKING..... how does the church welcome and serve people with different stories

I AM THANKFUL FOR.... friends who came over and tore up my weedy yard.

FROM THE KITCHEN..... greek pasta salad from carrie. Delish!

I AM WEARING.... brown cargo pants that are two sizes too big but great for doing yard work in…

I AM CREATING....a cleaner home

I AM GOING.... to work in the morning and looking forward to it

I AM READING.... Julie & Julia

I AM HOPING...to find direction about selling my house

I AM HEARING... Over the Rhine Live CD

AROUND THE HOUSE.... are less piles of dirty laundry and dishes

ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS...bike rides to the farmer’s market

A FEW PLANS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK....work, haircut, and a fabulous wedding at the blue dress barn (can’t wait to shoot this event!)

familiar...

2009-07-06T12:12:00.006-04:00

I have tried to explain to people what my grieving is like...and the best way to put it is that it has become a familiar presence in my life. Time has not "healed" me yet, nor has the ache for Mike lessened, but I've developed a relationship with grief.

Recently I came across a blog for widows (ugh! that word again...it never fails to make me gag) where one writer put these thoughts perfectly into words:

"Over the past four years grief and I have reluctantly become friends. Grief is not the kind of friend I can call in the middle of the night when I am sad, but rahter the kind of friend who sits quietly at teh end of my bed while I cry myself to sleep. Grief may be away for weeks or even months a a time, but the knock of this friend is now as familiart to me as my own voice. There is no need to explain my sorrow to grief; she understands my process better than I do. Grief knows I will get up again no matter how hard I have been hit by her power, and patiently stands as a witness to my ability to regain my balance time and time again. When grief calls, I stop what I am doing because I have learned that she must be answered. When I quit trying to escape her, I found an unexpected comfort by her side. She calls me and repels me; guides me and confuses me; moves me forward and throw me back.

Some day I hate grief, and other days I miss her. I have discovered a safe place in her arms, though her twisting, turning path won't allow me to be still for long. Her presence has added a soft cadence to my day to day life that I have come to rely on as a confirmation that I am, indeed, alive. The irony of this does not escape me. I have relized that in my mind grief has replaced Phil, and that my fera of letting him go has created a relationship with grief I could never have anticipated.

I am beginning to believe that this is why grief comes in waves. If grief was linear and we could walk from on stage into the next, there would likely be large numbers of grieving people with severe stage fright. I would be terrified if someone were able to provide me with a grief graduation date. Instead, grief throws us from one phase to the next, with no predictable pattern or discernible course. Like a boxer who learns to fight on their feet, our tortured, grieving selves wheel from on moment to the next watching for the inevitable gut punch. And slowly, painfully we become stronger, faster, and more confident each time we are forced into the ring. That doesn't mean we won't hit the mat, or that we won't be tempted to stay down for the count...but somehow our spirits find the will to fight one more time.

Grief holds the towel as we come out of the ring. Grief bandages our wounds and then sends us to face the opponent called death, again and again. Grief stands behind the stool in our corner and insists we go another round. There is a saying that speaks to the concept that some friends come into our lives for a purpose, but do not stay long. I am beginning to think of grief as a friend who will come and go from my life. She will show me how to survive in the ring of sorrow and then leave me with thses hard earned knocks hoping they teach me something about living courageously. Grief will also point out that she is not Phil and that he is not her. He exists in a separate, and timeless place that she does not inhabit. Grief is wise. And eventually I must let her go, knowing that when she resurfaces, sometime down the road, I will greet her as a friend."

thank you michele neff hernandez from widow's voice for putting into words this new "friendship" i find in my life...

today...

2009-07-02T20:55:00.004-04:00

OUTSIDE MY WINDOW...... sadly I don’t have a window in my new cubicle

I AM THINKING..... three cups of coffee and a coke is way too much caffeine, but I NEED IT!!!!!!!

I AM THANKFUL FOR.... being challenged that God is in the waiting too

FROM THE KITCHEN..... falafel and red pepper hummus wrap! I could do the vegetarian thing…

I AM WEARING.... jeans, fushia top, black ballet slippers and hair back in a ponytail (no time for fancy hair today)

I AM CREATING....a training manual on mentoring

I AM GOING.... camping this weekend

I AM READING.... a lot of books on mentoring

I AM HOPING...i can get it all done

I AM HEARING... ray lamontagne

AROUND THE HOUSE.... is chaos. New job = dirty laundry and dishes

ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS... so you think you can dance. Darn the age limit being 30 years old!

A FEW PLANS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK....enjoying the july 4^th weekend up at torch lake with new friends

** thanks for the fun blog idea to jessica

laboring...

2009-06-23T22:11:00.003-04:00

well summer has finally hit us...i won't complain about the hot steamy temps, especially after our long winter.

thank you for everyone's support, encouragement and celebration about my new job...i'm in my third week and feel very affirmed that this will be a great experience. everyone at ada has been very welcoming and helpful as i transition in. some of the exciting projects i'm working on are helping develop a marriage mentoring and individual mentoring program. perhaps the biggest challenge is adjusting to working full-time again. but the piles of laundry and my overgrown lawn can wait! i welcome the fullness of my days...

i've been thinking about laboring these past few days...it's almost been nine months since mike left us. and in an interesting contrast to my loss my dear friends curt and kristin have been expecting their third baby these past nine months.

death and life mingled.

they welcomed their son, levi this week. he's tiny, beautiful, perfectly designed. my heart is filled with joy for them!

i feel like i'm going through my own labor...but i don't feel fully formed yet. but every day i do feel a piece of me is healed, put back together, or rediscovered. and every day there's a moment where i am lonely, i ache for mike.

the other day i was shopping for "work" clothes and found myself in the men's section eyeing some sweaters and shirts that i thought would look great on mike. i loved shopping for him. but as i stood there i thought i have no reason to admire these clothes. i felt silly crying over a men's sweater in the Gap...

but grief doesn't make sense, it's messy and clumsy. these are my labor pains.

doing the hokey pokey...

2009-06-23T16:27:00.004-04:00

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

a new beginning...

2009-06-01T16:16:00.009-04:00

I've said this before that losing Mike has also been a loss of life direction and anticipations...Everything I knew to be true seemed to be deconstructed and I've had to reconstruct my life these past months. Part of that has been listening to where my next calling is for my vocation...

For the past two years I've been building up my photography business, a "creative sabbatical" from my years of serving as a counselor and working in higher education. Before Mike's death I felt a desire to return to a career that would allow me to counsel again, be a part of building community. That desire has increased even more so this past year. The love my community has graced me with has been essential in my survival, my healing. And as I have been broken my heart for others has increased...wanting to walk alongside others who are also hurting.

Praying and hoping for a new career opportunity was difficult, messy, scary, but also affirming. I wanted to ask God to grant me a "break", to give me something to help me find life and purpose again. But I also was too fearful to hope for something good...

But I know a God who hears even our unspoken desires and prayers and in His grace blesses us with more than we can imagine...

So today I accepted a position at Ada Bible Church serving as the Care and Marriage Coordinator. This opportunity will be helping with various programs to help strengthen and heal marriages, a marriage mentoring program, assisting with womens and singles ministries...and I imagine a lot more! I am excited and thankful for this opportunity...To use my life story and my career experience to speak into this community, to advocate for strong marriages and healing of people's unique brokenness.

I will continue to find a place to pursue photography...I love the creative outlet and will continue to do it on the side.

With each new beginning there's always a layer of my grief mingled in...Mike's not here to celebrate with me, to support me. All of these new life choices are mine alone to make.

But I have felt the support and celebration of so many...so thanks to all of you have come alongside during this new beginning!

the other kelly...

2009-05-26T00:54:00.003-04:00

One of the very first things I learned about Mike was that he had a sister also named Kelly and a younger brother, Adam. He told me, "They are two of my best friends." I admit I was intimidated by the bonds Mike had with his siblings...there was this rhythm of love, playful mockery, respect, and did I mention the mockery! There was something rare and amazing about these three...

Now the rhythm has been disrupted with Mike's absence...I ache most for Kelly and Adam, for the loss they carry. And this month has held many bittersweet moments, including both Kelly and Adam's birthday...I would really do anything to have Mike be here, to say in his own words, to offer his own smile, to show how deeply he loved them.

If he was here I know these are just a few reasons why he'd celebrate his sister...

she loved him, truly unconditionally.

she was fiercely protective of him, but was never hesitate to lovingly tease him.

she respected him as a therapist, affirming and validating his gifts. and he admired her as a therapist and learned so much from her wisdom and insight.

what an amazing mom she is to her four kids

her kindness and trustworthy heart

she was a HUGE fan of his mocha lattes

And I feel immensely grateful and blessed with her friendship now...we're forming a new rhythm that is a mix of love, sorrow, laughter, honesty. I love her so much for who she was to Mike and for who she continues to be for me.

nine years...

2009-05-13T22:23:00.011-04:00

Nine years ago Mike and I, in presence of so many family and friends committed our lives, our hearts to one another. It was a sweet and simple day, much of it going by in a blur. All I could think about was him, about becoming his wife, about starting our life together. I didn't care if the flowers were messed up or if we couldn't light the unity candle (which happened). I was his, he was mine.

It feels unreal that our journey together has ended. That I won't celebrate anymore years with him. I had so many images of us as parents, going on family vacations, doing home projects, and one day being old fuddy-duddys with each other.

I learned so much being married to Mike. And I continue to learn in his absence. I wish I didn't have regrets, that I didn't have thoughts of wishing I was more kind, more patient, that I never let one day pass without showing him the depth of my love. But if there is one thing we did well was that we were real in our marriage. It was flawed and messy. We fought, we nagged, we were unkind at times. But we always pushed to be more, to strength our relationship.

Mike helped me to enjoy life, to be free. I tend to be so serious and intense, a bit sensitive. Mike was so happy-go-lucky and friendly, unassuming. We had so many fun, playful moments. We loved to travel together, take road trips, camp. He made me laugh and smile. And I could be goofy and silly with him. He was my best friend.

He delighted in me and celebrated me. Over ten years of knowing each other we changed a lot. But he always accepted me. And I loved the person he was and was becoming. I looked forward to many years of growing together.

I miss his voice, his kisses, his smell. I miss our daily phone calls. I miss feeling his feet under the covers.

From the start of our relationship we always tried to remember that our marriage was also about community with others. That our relationship could bless others and that we needed community to help us grow in our marriage. We found a special kinship with our friends Jake and Mandy who share our exact wedding anniversary. We always joked that we had more marriage wisdom since we were married a few hours before them.

Mike spoiled me, giving me gifts "just because". I tend to be the cheaper chicken type of girl, and he showed me that I am worthy of a little filet mignon every once in awhile.

But most of all my marriage with Mike taught me how to love...the beautiful, sacred, forgiving, grace-filled kind of love.

I remember praying during our engagement that God would help me to hold loosely Mike, that he was really not mine to control or own. That he belonged fully to God. I have had to remember this prayer as I continue to daily grieve Mike's absence.

And today I hope he knows how much I love him, how much he has enriched my life and how much I miss him.

rosemary and remembrance...

2009-04-24T19:07:00.002-04:00

things are green again. the air smells like earth, life. it's a season to grow things.

i picked up this lovely rosemary plant today. rosemary is a symbol of remembrance. it has a beautiful fragrance and i know it will make savory spring dishes. and every time i use some i will remember how much mike and i loved to garden, to visit the farmer's market, grill fresh veggies and sit on our front porch.

happy earth day...

2009-04-22T17:15:00.003-04:00

dewey...

2009-04-08T23:38:00.006-04:00

as i try to reconstruct my life, figuring out "who am i?", there are a few things that remain true. one of those is that i am an aunt and i ADORE my three nephews and lil' sassy niece. today is drew's ("dewey" to us) fifth birthday. i remember when we were making plans to move back to grand rapids from seattle he arrived. i remember that mike was jealous that i got to meet drew first cause i was in grand rapids for a job interview.

what i love about drew is that he's imaginative, he'll "hunt" for birds with me, and our dance parties. he's silly, loves to play dress-up, and gives great hugs. and when he smiles, well, you're done! i asked him if he would stay this age, not grow up. but he informed me "aunt kelly, i'm turning five. i want to get big so i can go to school." okay dewey...

drew is probably too young to have a lasting memory of his uncle kiki...he will only know him through pictures and our stories. another layer of my grief.

but i will love on drew for the both of us...having these amazing kids in my life is one of the gifts i received in marrying into the powers family.

so happy birthday dewey!

hoping for tomorrow...

2009-04-04T12:36:00.002-04:00

I've mentioned my friends the McNeils before...they are college friends who are facing their own laments as their two children battle MPS IIIA / Sanfilippo Sydrome.

They've been an encouragement to me, extending strength and grace as I sit in my loss. We're both trying to find moments of hope, grateful for days that bring glimpses of joy.

Here's one of those moments...a video of their daughter Waverly singing "Tomorrow"

If you want to learn more about their story and how you can offer your support you can check out their blog http://familymctravels.blogspot.com and http://www.ahundredforahome.com

2009-03-09T00:02:00.002-04:00

We're not dancing, we're limping, but it's the best that we can do.

Linford Detweiler (Over the Rhine)

I mentioned a few posts back that I was in the midst of some really bad days. I found my way out of that week. Learned some lessons. Can't say that I've had great days since then, but I'm "limping" through them.

A few updates...

I did find some direction about selling my house and searching for a job. I realized that I'm not ready to go through the selling/moving process. It feels like another loss and I don't know if my heart can take it. While death gave Mike peace, it seems to have left ripples of destruction in my life. I lost my love, our dreams and possibilities won't be fulfilled, my photography career has to pause.

And I am aware of the desire and need for purpose in my life. So seeking out a job seemed to be more of a life-giving venture. So for now the house will remain my home and I am working on my resume and searching for job opportunities. Hopefully once I have a job I'll know what my options are for the house.

I'm anxious for spring to arrive, to see green, to smell fresh earth, feel the sun. Maybe it will bring some more renewal to my spirit.

guess who's two?

2009-03-06T21:26:00.008-05:00

two years ago i got to watch my niece brei be born...it was an awesome experience to hear her first cry and see her enter the world! (and i was proud of myself that i didn't pass out from the blood)

she's such a delight...and a lil' diva at times.

kelly loves having a little girl...

my favorite things about brei are her laugh, when she says "cuuute", her sassy looks, and teaching her to dance...

mike was very smitten with his niece...he was so sweet with her. i'm so thankful that i will still be a part of her life, but it's difficult to know that she will not remember uncle kiki. only to know him through our stories and pictures.

happy birthday sweet brei!

no words...

2009-03-01T18:18:00.003-05:00

i who live by words,
am wordless when
i try my words in prayer
all language turns
to silence

-l'engle

this past week i've had different friends who have welcomed beautiful new souls into their families...little babies that should only know love, but already in their first days must struggle. one of these families said good-bye to their baby girl after one day of life. the other family hopes relentlessly for little victories for their little girl.

even though i'm walking through my own story of loss, all of grief is different. so unique, sacred, personal. i too struggle to find the words that could offer comfort or peace. but my heart is with them...and i found in my journey that to be the most healing thing. to have people aware of me, my loss.

so tonight i am sitting in silent, wordless prayer, ever so present to the broken paths my friends are walking...

bad days...

2009-02-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

just when i think i'm getting through the days with a bit more strength, clarity, engagement...another surge of grief hits me. what can seem like a benign day takes a nasty turn for no reason, and i'm weepy, angry, lost.

and there's no one i want more in that moment than mike. to be the one to console me, to hug me, to talk things through.

i've been going through my boxes of pictures and letters. i confess i'm a pack-rat and save everything. but i couldn't be more thankful for this, cause i have every letter, note, ticket stub, snap-shot from our relationship. and it feels like it's time to take this stuff out of the box and create an album to celebrate these memories. i haven't read most of the cards...too painful to see his hand-writing. to know that there will be no more cards, no more birthdays, anniversaries, even ordinary moments.

and i feel mad tonight. mad that i had this amazing friend and husband, and it's just gone. mad that we were starting a new season of our relationship, with our first home and hopes for a family of our own...and those possibilities have died too. mad that i won't grow old with him. mad that he left me.

so bad days...just a piece of my reality.

love so amazing...

2009-02-14T18:45:00.004-05:00

** first let me preface that i am okay on this day...mike and i did not "celebrate" valentine's day. i think we were better at expressing romance during the ordinary days.**

i found this letter i wrote to mike as i've been sorting through boxes of pictures and other memories. it stuck out to me cause it was a valentine's letter and we really didn't get into this holiday. it was written during our first year living in seattle.

i hesitate knowing if i want to share with you what i wrote. i don't want to "glorify" our marriage, cause it had it's major flaws and i would say many days we failed to delight in each other, to be patient, to express our love. but i am so grateful that we fought hard to get to those moments of grace, love, beauty. and when we had them...it was a little piece of the sacred. i knew God more in those moments. and really mike SPOILED me! i was blessed....

so i do want to share with you my words to mike, my husband and best friend...cause we had a good love, that allowed us to experience the amazing and divine love of God.

to my friend, my husband, my love...

loving you can be such a vulnerable act. these past couple of months have challenged me to be more naked and that's scary. what has been amazing is the more you see of me, the more you loved me. i am so stunned by your forgiveness and tenderness that i sometimes want to run from it.

i'm thankful for where we are at...instead of loving each other in silly gestures on this holiday, we are wrestling with our sin and grieving our disappointments.

i love you mike. and the more you expose your heart, show me all the good and bad, the deeper i fall. your nakedness tells me you trust me and you're challenging me to cover you with grace. i long for us to be there.

always yours,
kelly

give it words

2009-02-11T16:24:00.002-05:00

Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be,
must tell the story.
That is his duty.

–Elie Wiesel

discernment...

2009-02-10T14:14:00.002-05:00

dis·cern·ment noun
1 : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

my heart and mind have been a bit consumed with trying to discern what are my next life steps...specifically with a job and the house.

i wasn't prepared to have to re-examine or restart my life...i didn't foresee this detour.

but i am here and i know that i need to step forward. while of course still being kind and patient with my grieving.

i know i feel ready to bring back some other purpose into my life, in addition to the healing and grieving. i feel the desire to work, to engage, to contribute. one of my friend's daughter asked me what i want to be when i grow up (and thanks for seeing me so "young" that i can still consider this question). i feel there could be so many options ahead of me...my photography, counseling, returning to higher education/college work. and yet i will confess that my sense of hope and trust still feel broken (not to mention that the current status of our economy doesn't do much to encourage me).

and my house, my home. i love this space. mike and i were blessed by this space. but it also feels like a lot to bear by myself. so do i sell? do i try to stay?

these are not questions i want to ask or have to answer by myself...

so i continue to ask for your prayers for discernment, wisdom and to be bearers of hope for me...and i do welcome any advice, expertise, or job offers!

friends from a far...

2009-02-07T21:13:00.010-05:00

Many of you donated money and gifts to our friends the Smiths as a way to honor Mike's life...They are serving in Guatemala at an orphanage called New Life Children's Home. Chad has been one of Mike's best friends since college and we continued to enjoy community with them over the years. We missed them when they moved and I continue to miss them...But it was so good to visit with them this past week while they are visiting the States. I got to meet Anabella Michal, their daughter who was born the day before Mike's memorial service and given Mike's name. She's a beautiful four month old baby! I know Mike would have adored her!

chad with his two other girls...aleia and arianna.

emmett...he can be so serious and so funny in a span of five mintues.

ari...i love her free-spirit and her laugh!

aleia...such a ham!

marlana with anabella

me and anabella

There are many of you I owe individual thanks for your generousity towards our friends...But I just want you to know that your giving has blessed the Smiths' and their "family" in Guatemala. I can't think of a better way to honor Mike...

we...

2009-02-01T17:16:00.003-05:00

i find myself stumbling through the transition of "we" to "i"...

i still tell stories, reflect on life, share tidbits using the reference "we"...

i guess that's something i'm trying to walk through...who i am now in light of this? someone said well you're not married anymore, you are single. but i still feel married. my heart and mind always experiencing and processing things with mike in mind. and i will never be "single". once you've been intimately connected with someone mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually you are always marked by that.

so for now i think i'm okay when a "we" slips through...

cuatro...

2009-01-27T12:23:00.006-05:00

every day for me is marked by the absence of mike. i was telling a friend that there is not one moment, one experience that i don't think about him, that i'm not aware he's gone, that i wish he was here.

so time is a strange thing...but every month, on the 27th time catches up with me and i realize how far we're from mike's passing. today is four months. not very long. too long.

i have this thing that when i try to understand something i like to look up the basic definitions/origins of a word. so i looked up "four"

four...
the seasons
the gospels
chambers of the heart
your ring finger

i'm still not comfortable with it being 2009. mike doesn't have any existence in 2009.

i check-marked "widow" on a form for the first time. i thought i was going to throw up.

i ache a lot lately for his hugs, for his smell. i still have a lot of him in me, my heart, my mind...but i miss his physical presence.

(taken last winter on our trip to hilton head...mike with his brother adam.)

think like a tree...

2009-01-26T12:02:00.002-05:00

Soak up the sun
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling

by karen shragg

(thank you to katie for sharing this poem...trees have always represented wisdom, truth and beauty to me)

winter "garage" sale...

2009-01-12T22:04:00.001-05:00

if you're interested in any of these items drop me a note...

1) Sole E55 Elliptical Machine. Bought from Dick's in Feb 08 and used approx 20 times. Great machine! Free exercise mat with purchase (lays under machine to protect flooring). contact for price.

2)IPod Touch: 8 gb. Digital Media Player (music, photos, video, web). Model: MA623LL/B. Also includes earphones & USB cable. Brand new--still in plastic! $200

3) Sanyo mini fridge--great condition, stainless steel/silver outer door: $50. Dimensions available on request.

4) Small black microwave, size just right for dorm, office, or smaller kitchen. Great working condition: $25. Dimensions available on request.

denver...

2009-01-11T13:56:00.019-05:00

my mom gave me an amazing birthday present...she sent me to denver to visit my dear friends the lafleurs and rutts. mike and i became friends with mark & jenna and jake & mandy during our time in seattle at grad school. now they all live in the denver area (a fun coencidence!)

this trip was really good for my heart...to reconnect with some of my favorite people, to be a new place to step into another year, to soak up sunshine (yes, people of michigan the sun still exists!)

here's the lafleur family...last time we saw mark and jenna they were pregnant with their first baby. now they are an amazing family of five. mark is a full-time therapist and jenna is at home with the three lil' ones. i got to spend the day with jenna and see some pieces of the lafleur's life...

my time with jenna really refreshed me and inspired me. we got to share our lives over cups of tea (jenna has a beautiful way to make tea an experience) and she shared her art of journaling/scrapbooking. looking over the way she took paper, ribbons, pictures, words to create a storybook has helped inspire me to keep up with my journaling.

their children are beautiful! and have delightful personalities...emma saige

asher

rohan (when saying good-bye to me he asked when i'd be coming back...i hope real soon!)

mark was one of mike's dearest friends in seattle...i can still hear them greeting each other with "hey guy!" with a mutual love for coffee and pipes they shared many laughs and honest moments. i love this picture from graduation cause it captures how mark could make mike laugh.

oh the rutts! not sure where to begin about our friendship with jake and mandy...they have been some of our best friends since seattle. and they loved mike...they delighted in him, loved his michael w. smith impersonations, believed in him. we shared a lot of fun memories of mike and our times together as friends. it helped me feel closer to him, to be able to feel the joy of mike's presence in our lives.

this picture was taken the day we left seattle to move back to grand rapids...we HATED leaving our friends!

mandy and jake are the best hosts! they treated me a like queen during my trip...mandy is a gifted cook and can make anything taste like it's from a five star resturant. jake just puts me at ease and is a good man. we spent a lot of time just hanging out, catching up, eating. one day we did go for a hike near red rocks. here's one of me and mandy...did i mention i love this girl??? (plus this is her blog debut...she's been waiting to be featured)

jake & mandy...oh how i wished we lived closer!

one of the most beautiful persons i know...

red rocks...jake was one of mike's favorite backpacking partners. being out in the colorado wilderness it was hard to not imagine these two scaling the mountain trails. jake shared that he considers mike one of his heroes, the way he genuinely pursued and cared for people. i know that mike was a better person for knowing jake (and mandy). i can just see the joy in mike's face, saying "hey guy!", embracing the rutts.

how fun that jake and mandy live on "powers" street...

the SUN!!!!!!

me in the sun....it's very tempting to think about moving to denver.

well, mike should have been in denver with me. for the past year we've been talking about making a trip out there...but life happens and there are those "shoulda, coulda, woulda's". i heard the other day that losing a spouse changes your friendships, especially with your married friends. it's not the same and you lose those bonds. the lafleurs and the rutts affirmed to me that they will remain in my life, to continue to be my friend and to continue to honor mike.

can't wait to visit again friends! and again a HUGE thanks to my mom...you blessed me!

elephants...

2008-12-28T22:48:00.003-05:00

i've developed an affection for elephants...it started when someone sent me a card of sympathy that had the following message:

"elephants...
so big, so strong.
and yet when a member of the herd passes,
even elephants mourn.
they gather around extend their trunks, and gently touch the tusks of their fallen friend.
it's their ritual.
it's how they heal.
and it's sad.
and it's beautiful.

so maybe what we're trying to say is that the world doesn't
expect you to be fine with this.
be how you need to be.
mourn how you need to mourn"

(thanks lisa for finding such a beautifully worded card...)

then last week there was a moving news story on 60 minutes about orphaned elephants and an african community's effort to protect them. in the midst of such discouraging, broken times it's nice to experience a story of joy and hope...

Watch CBS Videos Online

silent nights...

2008-12-21T18:28:00.002-05:00

we're snowbound here in michigan...it's really a beautiful sight to look at. at least a foot of pure white snow. not ideal for having to travel in, which is one reason why i will be staying here in michigan for christmas. i'll be spending time with mike's family up in rockford, keeping things simple and quiet (well minus the fun chaos that my nephews and neice bring).

while christmas music is not filling up my house this year there are still a few songs that i find connection with...this version of "silent night" by over the rhine was a favorite of mike's and still remains one of my favorite christmas records. Silent Night (duet.)

another favorite song that i've found my story in is joni mitchell's "river"...River (LP Version) [LP Version]

i heard someone say once, "when life gets hard, music gets good". music was always healing and truthful for mike and i. i am thankful it still can bring some of that to me.

hope this finds you well and warm...

tear open the heavens...

2008-12-14T11:05:00.002-05:00

it's impossible to escape the christmas season...

in years past i delighted in the abundance of lights, snow, christmas music, watching classic christmas cartoons, cutting down our christmas tree, opening up stockings, wrapping gifts.

but now it feels sorta of like i'm in a foreign country...i don't understand the language or the culture. i'm "okay" being out of place but i've been wondering what can it look like to enter into the season of advent with my grief.

cause when it comes down to it christmas at it's heart, for me, for mike, is about hope. about the arrival of Christ, new life, fresh start. so how does this stand in contrast with my life, my loss?

this weekend i found some thoughts on advent that spoke a little to my heart...

Isaiah 64:1-9
O that you would tear open the heavens and come down!

Advent becomes a time when our longing merges with the longing of God. It’s a time of watching in anticipation for the coming of God’s promised reign. It’s a time of waiting for God to set things right.

Walter Brueggemann has written that Advent is a community of hurt. Advent “is the voice of those who know profound grief, who articulate it and do not cover it over. ... And because the hurt is expressed to the One whose rule is not in doubt, this community of hurt is profoundly a community of hope.”

The people who celebrate Advent are those who are not afraid to name the hurt that engulfs them. Advent is for those who refuse to numb themselves with placid thoughts of a better day. It is for those for whom all hell is breaking loose and who have turned their life in every direction imaginable, looking for some help to come, only to find themselves shouting with Isaiah: “God, you do something about this! Tear open the heavens and come down here and do something. God, just do something to end the hurt.”
“Do something, God, to bring peace.”
“Do something, God, to heal my family’s brokenness.”
“God, do something to let me keep my job.”
“Do something to take away the anger that is consuming me.”
“Do something to break the hold grief has on me.”
Whenever we discover that the world isn’t what we or God imagined it would be, when we recognize the hurt, we call out to God in hope that God will do something to set things right.

(John P. Leggett)

i don't know that i feel the hope yet...in fact i rely on others to bear hope for me. but i am encouraged to know that i can enter into the christmas season with my hurt, knowing that God will receive my ache, my pain, my grief as a longing for peace, as a call for Him to come.

a winter memory...

2008-12-04T14:08:00.004-05:00

mike and i started out as friends. i was not looking for anyone, my sights set on moving out to seattle for grad school. but there was mike, wooing me with his curious genuine heart.

anyway after a few weeks of "coffee dates" we made things official. it was a winter night in february, with a fresh thick blanket of snow. we were hanging out in a parking lot, digging out our cars. as we said good-bye i wondered how do we make the transition from "friends" to "boyfriend/girlfriend". as we awkwardly laughed at our new status before i got in my car i reached out...not for a hug, not even for a squeeze of the hands, but a high five! like we were team-mates who just scored a basket. i drove away feeling like such a dork, but it was a funny real moment. cause we were still friends and we always grew that friendship in our marriage.

so when i came across these mittens it brought back one of my favorite memories of our friendship...

how to step in...

2008-11-18T12:53:00.002-05:00

this is hard...my life, my grief. and i can understand how it's difficult to know how to connect with me, how to help, how spend time with me. i've used the phrase "pink elephant in the room" to describe how i feel sometimes. i'm not sure i want to be the center of attention, having my loss put under a spotlight, but it's also hard to not have people acknowledge the reality of my life.

i'm sympathetic that it's awkward and most people simply don't know what to say. but can i be honest and say that what i have to walk through daily doesn't measure up to the few awkward moments you have with me...i don't blame people that their lives have continued, pretty much unphased by mike's absence. but nothing is the same for me.

so i guess i want to offer these thoughts not to vent or complain but to try and invite you to know how to step in...whether it's for me and for someone else who is hurting.

if you don't know what to say, well say that. be honest and real. just sharing that you are aware of me, the reality of my life helps me not feel so alone.

be patient. keep pursuing. some days i desire to connect with people. other days i don't. but my life is chaos and it helps to have steady community around me, knowing that when i am ready to connect they will still be there.

ask questions. some friends sent me this e-mail as we were making plans for dinner: "We are wondering what you need, or if you even know what you need, from our evening together: are you sick of trying to put your experience and feelings into words? Do you long for an opportunity to laugh? cry? Do you just want to hear all about our crazy lives as parents? Would you like to play a game? Watch a movie and veg/zone out? We don't want to assume that we know what you want/need from your "scheduled" dinners that you've been having. I'm assuming that although great, it can be draining to be expected to express your heart with each person/set of people. We love you and of course long to know you and your heart, but we want to create an evening around what YOU long for and need right now! If you just plain don't know what you need, tell us that too, and we'll take the driver's seat for you. I know that your life stopped in some senses, and that although ours haven't been asked to, we want to pause and live your life with you for an evening, even though it seems like such an insignificant gesture at this point." Just by their questions they made me feel safe...

i am learning daily how to journey through grief. and i know i've made mistakes in the past to support others in their grief. i guess that's why i want to be honest about my experiences. so we can all learn and grow to be better for each other.

what changed us...

2008-11-17T20:15:00.005-05:00

a significant part of my life with mike, our marriage and the redemption of our hearts was our time at mars hill graduate school. even though we were glad to return to michigan, seattle was always "home" for us. and we missed it...the mountains, water, culture, and of course the community.

there are two AMAZING videos that were created to speak about mars hill, but more importantly how we should live our lives as christians.

what if you truly believe that the gospel can change the world?

what if you truly loved your neighbor as yourself?

fill this pause...

2008-11-11T17:07:00.002-05:00

When some beloved voice that was to you
Both sound and sweetness, faileth suddenly,
And silence against which you dare not cry,
Aches round you like a strong disease and new-
What hope? What help? What music will undo
That silence to your sense? Not friendship's sigh,
Not reason's subtle count; not melody
Of viols, nor of pipes that Faunus blew;
Not songs of poets, nor of nightingales
Whose hearts leap upward through the cypress-trees
To the clear moon; nor yet the spheric laws
Self-chanted, nor the angels' sweet 'All hails,'
Met in the smile of God: nay, none of these.
Speak Thou, availing Christ!-and fill this pause.

elizabeth barrett browning, "substitution"

a bittersweet celebration

2008-11-10T20:29:00.006-05:00

I'm struck by how the days seems to be both skipping by and creeping along...November seemed like it would never come around. Not that I was looking forward to time moving along, to winter encompassing us here in Michigan.

But there was one event that held some anticipation. Mike's brother Adam's wedding.

I didn't have to think long about whether I wanted to attend the event. Everyone was very supportive on whatever I decided. But I couldn't imagine not witnessing the sacred moment of Adam and Raquel committing their hearts to each other and God. Mike and I were so looking forward to this trip to Southern Cali. It would be our first time to Adam's home for the past four years, and Adam was one of Mike's best friends. We only had met Raquel once but we immediately adored her tender and sweet spirit. Adam and Mike had shared several phone conversations as Adam processed all of the joys and questions that relationships bring. Mike loved journeying with Adam as he developed his relationship with Raquel.

Knowing that Mike wouldn't be present with us, with Adam on his wedding day certainly evoked "it's not fair". When I wonder (and sometimes rage) about the timing of Mike's death, I hate that it happened just short of Adam and Raquel's celebration.

But I was grateful to be with the Powers' for the weekend celebration...We flew out Thursday to Southern California (or So Cal as the locals say) We were immediately seduced by the perfect weather, but turned off by the hideous traffic. I got to share a room with my sis-in-law Kelly and we were partners-in-crime the whole weekend! I just adore her and love how we can laugh and cry with each other.

Adam and Raquel reflected a beautiful spirit about what marriage is really about. God, community, love, grace. And it was so good to experience Adam and Raquel's community...They are generous and authentic people.

Of course I felt the ache of Mike's absence. It was the first major social experience that I had to navigate without him. I felt clumsy and out of place, as though I didn't know what to do with my hands. I kept seeing Mike throughout the day, how he would have laughed and taken such joy in the day. It just isn't right that he's gone...

I held off till the end of the night to have my "ugly" cry...where I could be undone and let the mascara run. And I found myself in the midst of the question "How do I stand in the midst of people's beginnings when I'm in a season of end?"

a hundred for a home...

2008-10-26T22:08:00.004-04:00

Hope, grief, trust, faith...all of these things have been tricky to figure out these days. how do you find joy in the midst of pain? what does it look like to hope when you feel surrounded by disappointment? where's grace and mercy?

I'm not sure that I will find "the answers" to these questions but I hope to wrestle through them, to be honest in the journey.

My college friends Matt and Shannon McNeil find themselves with a life story that holds it's own pain...Their two delightful children Waverly and Oliver tragically have a terminal illness, Sanfilippo or MPS III. I remember when I reconnected with them via Shannon's blog last spring how unimaginable this seemed...And there have been lots of questions of how do we step into this with them? They both have displayed such raw honesty about this journey...The days of anger, good days playing at the park, the saddness and ache. Especially for me these past few weeks I have found myself thinking more and more about the McNeil's...our grief is so different but I feel connected to them too.

Some of their closest friends, Kamarah and Michelle, have invited us to help the McNeil's in a tangible way...Raising funds to help them create a home that will provide them a space to be family while also addressing the physical needs of Waverly and Oliver.

http://www.ahundredforahome.com

I invite you to learn about their story and if it's on your heart to offer a gift to the McNeils...I can't think of anyone better who deserves a bit of tangible grace these days.

moments of love and grace...

2008-10-19T23:15:00.002-04:00

it's been three weeks now...seems like a lifetime. days continue to be long. but i do have some moments of love and grace that make the days more livable.

* two hikes this weekend, surrounding myself with the fall beauty. God's creation does heal...

* friends and family who spent their saturday to clean, organize, and landscape. i felt their love through their hands.

* a delightful brand new pink vacuum cleaner that found it's way to my doorway...i think i may just smile while i'm cleaning.

* joining the ymca...these days have been focused on physically staying well. i'm thankful for the gift offered to me to get out the house and stay healthy.

* dinner with friends...

* the overwhelming support and presence of my family. i spend my thursdays with kelly (my amazing sis-in-law) and her kids. mike's parents are so supportive and caring. my mom's daily phone calls. my dad's help with records, paperwork, life stuff. my sister taking care of so many details. adam's phone calls. hugs from my nephews. it all helps in the midst of chaos.

* my dear friends curt and kristin...no words can express the gratitude and love i have for these two people. their friendship is a sure foundation for me to stand on these days...

but i won't lie that things continue to be hard, especially the mornings and nights. i wake up in the morning, after a restful sleep only to be reminded of the reality i find myself. nights are when i miss mike's presence the most. when my mind wanders and is flooded with questions, memories, aches. i am still in a numb state and know that days are still ahead where the grief will perhaps surge out.

his namesake...

2008-10-16T19:46:00.003-04:00

Our dear friends Chad and Marlana moved last spring to Guatemala to fulfill their heart's desire and calling to serve orphans. I can still remember when they first shared with Mike and I that they had found a specific place, a specific community they knew they were called to make their new home. We felt so much joy because they have been praying and dreaming for years to serve God overseas. Of course we were sad too...Chad and Mike were like brothers, sharing a friendship that was both marked with laughter and heart. Chad and Marlana helped moves us out to Seattle when we went to grad school and we've come to love all of their kids, as "Aunt Kelly and Uncle Mike".

It was difficult not having them here as I faced the loss of Mike, but they were expecting baby number four. And the day before Mike's memorial they welcomed their beautiful daughter, Anabella Michal. It was so meaningful that they gave her Mike's name, to honor him, to remember him.

We asked people to consider offering donations to the Smith family, to support their calling, in lieu of flowers. Myself and Mike's family were so blessed and grateful for the generous gifts and I can't wait to pass along the blessing to Chad, Mar, their kids, and their works with orphans.

an unwanted chapter...

2008-10-14T11:14:00.003-04:00

it's been a couple of weeks now...

the outpouring of support, prayers, memories that we received as a family were pieces of God's grace and brought us some healing.

but the days continue to be long, confusing, sometimes with a fleeting moment of peace. grief is a messy business. it's not "stages" of grief, it's a maddening pinball game of emotions.

mike and i grew to understand the importance of story. God's story, the beauty and brokenness of our own stories. inviting others to know, own their stories. we believed in knowing your story, giving voice to it is where you would find redemption and hope.

but everyday since i've lost mike i keep thinking i don't want this to be a part of my story. it doesn't fit. it's so foreign and unknown...his absence still is absurd.

many people still ask "how are you doing?" i need to find a new vocabulary to answer such questions. these days i can't afford to offer polite and superficial answers. only honesty. cause as the quote for this blog says "there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story"

so i'm going to try and step into it, my story.

the memorial service...

2008-10-06T13:16:00.005-04:00

for those who weren't able to join us on friday as we celebrate mike's life my friend john pottenger (amazing photography and videographer) created a video of the service...

http://www.coastline-studios.com/tv/Mike.html

as i shared with many this was the easy part, celebrating Mike, finding some rest in God's presence. it is the days ahead that i believe will hold more challenges, more struggles, more aches...

offers of kindness....

2008-10-06T09:31:00.003-04:00

dear friends,

a week has passed and i continue to find myself weaving and stumbling through different places in my heart and mind. i have had some good moments, glimpses of peace, chaos, brokenness, void, anger, questions, gratitude, fear. i know many of you ask "how are you?" i trust your sincerity and yet i need to find a whole new language to answer that question. also i know many of you have asked if there are ways you can be of support and help. it is difficult for me to respond to a general desire to help at this time....whether i can't formulate what my needs are or it's just simply too difficult to ask. my friends curt & kristin kuiper will be organizing and taking care of information for any tasks/needs/errands/assistance i may need during this season. you can contact curt and kristin at curtandkristin@hotmail.com and they can place you on an e-mailing/calling list when needs do arrive.

also it helps if you give me specific offers of help or invitiations...dinners, walks, whatever. it is easier for me to accept a specific invitation than to take the initiative at this time to make a phone call, pick a date, name a need.

Update on memorial service...

2008-09-30T20:58:00.001-04:00

The time to remember and celebrate Mike will be at Wabisis Park at 3pm. For those who want to map quest, the address is 11220 Springhill Drive, Greenville, MI 48848. Vistations will be held at Pederson Home in Rockford MI. Thurs 2-4, 6-9, and Friday 11-1 pm.

We met this morning with a dear friend of Mike's, Matt Krick, who will be officiating his memorial. It was a bitter sweet time as we remembered Mike. We laughed, cried, shared funny and amazing stories that brought joy to our hearts and souls, while at the same time sadness and loss. We want to extend this opportunity to those who have been impacted by Mike at his celebration of life memorial on Friday. If you would like to share a thought, story or memory, we will have a time where you will be invited to speak and ask it to be under 2 minutes. We also covet any thoughts you may want to share with us as a family and would love anything written so we can have that to remember him by.

Because of the impact Mike has had on so many, we are concerned about seating. Those of you who will be attending this memorial are asked to bring a folding chair "just in case" there is not enough seating.

Also I know many have inquired as to the cause of Mike's passing...The official finding is "natural causes", but I can't see anything natural about Mike's death. He had mitral valve prolapse which caused arrhythmia. He had experienced a faint spell due to this a year and a half ago. But his heart was strong and this really was a "freak" incident. They believe he had another fainting spell and just never woke up. So quick, no pain.

The ache and pain is for us to have to wrestle through...

I will say again how much i am clinging to your words, your prayers, your offers of love. And it have been a blessing to Mike's family to read the many messages and memories. It brings up a bit of peace to know how well he was loved and the impact he had on so many.

making it through minute by minute...
kelly

a time of remembrance for Mike Powers...

2008-09-29T18:25:00.002-04:00

Hopefully you all have received the news that my husband Mike passed away on Saturday. It was an unexpected end for my best friend....It has been hard, messy, scary, quiet. But I am saturated with the presence of my family and friends.

It has been overwhelming but so so good to receive all of your loving words and to hear all of the memories you had of Mike. It affirms to me what an amazing, extraordinary, one of kind person he was...

The visitation hours for Mike will be at Pederson Funeral Home in Rockford Thursday 2-4 pm, 6-9 pm and Friday 11 am-1 pm. We are waiting to finalize the location for the memorial service which will take place on Friday late afternoon and once I know I will pass that information along.

Also in lieu of flowers we ask that you offer contributions to our dear friends Chad and Marlana Smith who are in Guatemala serving and loving on orphans. Checks can be me made out to Blythefiled Hills Baptist Church c/o Chad and Marlana Smith.

Also I know some have asked about meals...i appreciate the offer. and i would love to set up times where i can share meals with you, whether it is here at my home or with you at your home.

So grateful for your presence...clinging to your prayers,
kelly

jammin'...

2008-07-10T14:02:00.005-04:00

growing up on of my favorite book series was little house on the prairie...i would day -dream what it would be like to grow up making all of your food and clothes, toys and furniture. and then i discovered anne of green gables...again there was something romantic about their lifestyle. tea time, homemade biscuits, jams. so it's been so fun to explore these daydreams this summer...

this summer mike and i have signed up for a vegatable share. once a week i go to the farmer's market and pick up a couple of bags full of veggies that were harvested from trillium farm. it's just a little step we've taken to support local farmers and eat more organically. so last week we pick up a whole flat of organic strawberries...and we made jam! it was so fun smushing up the fruit and pouring them into the little jars. hopefully it will taste as good as it looks...

hand-clapping therapy...

2008-06-03T14:29:00.002-04:00

Motivational Hand Clapping TherapyMike Powers, MA, LLPC, CHCT, expert clinician at network180 has adapted the sacred art of Hand Clapping, combined with the recently developed concept Motivational Interviewing.
Mr. Powers learned the ancient Hand Clapping technique from his previous career at Carraba’s Italian Grill. In Mr. Powers’ words: “We used to all gather round a table with a birthday and clapped…people smiled and seemed to feel better.” Mike takes this knowledge and forms it into a specific integrated technique, clapping profusely when a patient says something good or something he agrees with. “It seems to have worked really good,” Power’s cites.

Mr. Powers will be available for consultation and will be providing a lunch-training, sponsored jointly by his private practice and Carraba’s Italian Grill. Of course, CEUs will be available for an extra $15.

my mom kicks ass...

2008-05-20T18:23:00.006-04:00

this year we celebrated mother's day in naperville with my family. we planned to walk in the Y-ME breast cancer walk...and i say planned. the weather was cold, rainy and windy. so my mom gave the team a pass. but all the money raised still goes towards the fight against cancer. i'm so proud of you mom!!!

zoom, zoom...

2008-05-16T02:20:00.010-04:00

we've been fortunate enough to function on one car for the past few years...saving us on money, gas, and of course trying to be conscious about the environment. but with my schedule picking up due to weddings and other photography jobs we began talking about a second vehicle. our priorities were to find something within our budget, great gas mileage and hopefully something that would be kind to the earth. we dreamed about a hybrid but it was not so much in the budget. mike brought up the idea of a scooter. i always joked about getting a scooter to zoom around town on...but it didn't seem practical. but as we reconsidered we realized it wasn't such a bad option. so we're the proud owners of a sassy vespa.

okay...so when we went to "test" out the scooter mike jumped on it right away and was zipping up and down the road with ease. i even jumped on the back...this little bike has some kick to it! it can go up to 75 mph and weighs around 300 lbs. so when the seller asked me if i wanted to give it a go i was hesitant. i said i've never, ever ridden a motor bike of any kind. he assured me it was easy. well i took off and was immediately out of control on the bike. i was heading straight for a bush/pole/tree but i veered away, pushing the emergency stop button. but i was still moving...now i'm heading towards a piece of lawn and my fingers find the break and i stop the bike. and then me and scooter flop down to the side. i was intact (except my pride) and thankfully the bike has only a few clumps of grass. so i'll be signing up for some lessons before i get behind this lil' scooter!

a new spring in my step...

2008-04-18T17:53:00.005-04:00

so i've been a bit absent from this blog. i'm putting a bit more time into my photography blog...

march was busy, lots of travel, two weddings. spring has finally found us here in michigan as well as earthquakes supposedly. i missed the quake but family and friends here in michigan and chicago shared stories of waking up around 5 am to some tremors. crazy!

the wedding photography is going amazingly well...i've been blessed with so many great clients wanting me to capture their wedding day! 15 weddings booked so far and maybe a few more before the end of the year...now i'm hoping to book some senior portraits and family portraits (and i do travel to chicago..hint hint!!!)

mike's picking up a few more clients with private practice which is exciting cause he's such an amazing counselor and i know he really loves this work.

here's some pics of my first attempt at landscaping...my bulbs are actually growing!!!

a must watch....

2008-03-13T12:31:00.002-04:00

we saw "dan in real life" on my birthday. i was surprised by how good it was...funny, honest, a little bit of romance, a little bit of wit. so i'm recommending it as a must watch! (plus the soundtrack is really fun..)

walk for hope, power, a cure...

2008-03-03T13:29:00.003-05:00

i admire my mom for a lot of reasons...she's generous, is an avid reader, a master at baking cookies and is known as a pretty great dancer! but i also admire her cause she's survived breast cancer twice. this past january was her five year anniversary of the second round of cancer. she's been honest, tender, hopeful, and sometimes a bit sassy through the whole process. but she's used this experience to challenge others to educate themselves and she's been an amazing source of encouragement as well.

so this year for mother's day i'm joining my mom and sister and some other wacky women to participate in the Y-ME’s Race to Empower in Chicago. For years my sister has participated in a lot of these walks to honor our mom and other women she knows...it's also burdened me that i haven't had the space in my schedule to be a part of this event. so i'm really excited!

if you have someone in your life that you would like to honor or if you just want to offer support to this cause you can go to my web-page for the race and one, either join me for the big walk or two, you can support me through a donation (if i reach $300 i will dye my hair pink for the walk) this can be a great mother's day gift! but i hope this inspires and challenges you to educate yourself, take action to prevent, and reach out to someone you know who's been impacted by breast cancer. find a way to honor them...

bedroom furniture for sale...

2008-02-26T10:05:00.004-05:00

our dear friends chad and marlana are leaving for Guatemala in a few weeks to begin training for an orphanage ministry. so they're selling a few of their possessions. one of them is this thomasville bedroom set. it includes:
Armoire with mirror, 4 shelves and 4 drawers
6-drawer dresser with mirror
Nightstand with 2 drawers
Queen pillowtop mattress, boxspring and bed frame
Headboard
Footboard

they paid over $5000 for it 6 years ago, so we're asking $2400 for the whole set.

it's a beautiful set (and happens to be the same one we have for our bedroom) if you're interested you can e-mail them at smithsinguatemala@gmail.com

a change of scenery...

2008-02-19T13:40:00.003-05:00

tonight mike and i are hitting the road in search of greener, sunnier landscapes. our true destination is south carolina where his parents are staying. i think this may be the first winter that i've had too much snow, too much cold.

we're both really looking forward to our road trip. we love being able to reconnect with each other, exploring new towns, and just being. i've got the essentials all packed up: cd collection, books, snacks, and camera. we'd appreciate your prayers for safe travels...

we're back next week and will be prepping for a busy march. two weddings to shoot, a going-away party to host, and a trip to florida to see my dad and step-mom.

in other news mike is working with his doctors to readdress his heart issues (he has a irregular heart rhythm and sometimes has dizzy/fainting spells). while we feel confident that it's nothing serious it's a health concern that should be addressed. we're hoping the doctors can figure out with some certainty what the issue really is. and we're hoping for discernment to take the doctor's recommendations and figure out what is the best treatment. we'll be sure to keep you updated...

sick-o...

2008-02-13T18:33:00.003-05:00

last weekend mike and i watched michael moore's "sicko", a documentary on the US health system and how it is failing our community.

i know michael moore's work typically elicits boycotts and sentiments that he's evil...i don't dispute that his tactics can be "dramatic" and sometimes used for "shock", but it gets you thinking.

i actually felt this movie was not that dramatic (okay there were a few moments, but they were done in humor) it left me with a few thoughts:

* one, i'm thankful that mike & i have had the privilege to be qualified to receive health care. and that we haven't had to experience the many trials of our health care system. this movie made me more aware that this isn't a privilege that every american is granted. this grieves me. and then angers me.

* two, it makes me curious and motivates me to educate myself about the truths of our system. and to research the cons and pros of universal health system. he spends a lot of time highlighting other countries and their health care (in england women can get up to a year off when they have a baby...paid!!!!) i don't have a set opinion about what is the best solution but i want to be informed. especially being an election year.

* three, how does my faith impact this issue? over the past years we have watched from a distance how our country has struggled to address hurricane katrina, the millions of poor, homeless families, the impact of the war, and on and on. for a country that has such "wealth and power" why are things so broken?

interestingly when michael moore was on oprah he said "I'd like to call it Christianized medicine because this is what Jesus would do, right?" (in reference to making sure that everyone receives the medical care equally)

if you haven't seen this film i encourage you to consider it...you may not agree with it all, but it's an issue that won't go away. moore makes the point that regardless if you're republican, democrat, conservative, liberal, christian or not...sickness does not discriminate. if you choose not to view the movie then maybe find other sources to inform you about our health system

i truly hope this finds you well, healthy, and safe...

change is coming...

2008-02-05T13:18:00.001-05:00

regardless of your political views i think this message can give us all hope and inspiration...

how i spend my days...is how i spend my life

2008-02-04T19:32:00.000-05:00

the other night we spent time with some new friends, curt & kristin. one of the things that we really admire about this couple is their pursuit to know and live out what they value. there's a sense of purpose and intentionality about the rhythm of their lives
(but yes, curt & kristin we know you're not perfect...)

anyway their efforts have caused me to pause and reflect on how i live out what i value. and i admit that i waste too much time watching tv, surfing the internet, etc...i struggle with this self-employment stage of life. yes, i feel blessed to have my own buisness to have the support and time to do what i love. but i also need structure that comes from a work environment. all this to say, i desire to be more productive and purposeful of my time. to read more, to invest in relationships, to deepen my faith.

and this requires me to simplify and discipline my days...i'm making small steps. i can say today was a good one.

one of my favorite quotes is by annie dillard....she says "how we spend our days is how we spend out life" meaning even in the small moments it speaks to what matters most.

**a practical note on this....so i don't spend hours surfing the web, reading through blogs (cause i am a blog junkie) someone educated me on "google reader" you can enter in the web-site of your favorite blogs, news journals and it's an organized list that will show you when there's a new entry. so thanks google for simplify one bad habit.

be a donor...

2008-02-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

the other day on "oprah" (i know, i know...) one the topics discussed was being an organ donor. they shared various stories of people who despite their untimely and tragic deaths made the choice to help others to continue to live. one of the issues highlighted is that family members struggle to make this decision on behalf of the deceased. they encouraged us to have this conversation, despite how challenging or difficult it can be...

i guess for me, i never considered not donating my organs. but i haven't been so intentional to communicate this to mike, to my family and my friends. i suppose some people don't like the idea of it...for religious, cultural, or personal reasons. i can only speak what feels true and right for me. that i would want to bless someone else with a chance to live, to heal, to be better.

you can go to this link and officially register yourself to be an organ donor...http://donatelife.net/. and have this talk with your family.

a tale of a mouse and two cats...

2008-01-31T16:42:00.001-05:00

once upon a time in a quaint little house on hobart street
mike & kelly found some mice.

after many failed attempts to rid their peaceful haven of the "guests"
mike & kelly decided they needed some reinforcement.

enter our heroines, scout & lucy.

at first they seemed like sweet, fuzzy companions.

until last night...

mike came upon a mouse, defeated in battle with our two felines.

and mike, kelly, lucy, & scout lived happily...

in remembrance...

2008-01-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

I have decided to stick with LOVE.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.

martin luther king jr

a thousand words...

2008-01-18T17:24:00.000-05:00

well i don't know if my photographs tell a thousand words, but i do know they tell some beautiful and fun stories...

i'm so excited to announce that my web-site is officially open!!!

so check out http://www.kellypowersphotography.com/

tell your friends, family, neighbors, teachers, churches, cashier, mailperson, your favorite presidential candidate...

a thousand words can't even begin to express how grateful i am to you for your support, love, and sometimes pushy attitude to get me to discover one of my dreams.

yay!

what's on my mind...

2008-01-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

a couple of weeks ago i heard bill mckibben speak at calvin college as a part of their j-series (a month long of lectures) this author has written several books on the environment/economics/politics. and he started up an organization called "step it up" a grass-roots effort to call for an 80% decrease of carbon emissions by 2050.

mckibben brought up a few questions and thoughts that i've been thinking over...

there is default assumption in america that "more is better", that we are happier with new stuff, with more convenience in our lives...i think it's fair to say that if we really think about this assumption we can argue that we don't need stuff to make us happy. but it's such a subtle idea that we've adopted as truth. it's a rhythm that we live by. i struggle with it every time i go to target or see something on sale. mckibben proposed that this pursuit has lead to our current environmental issues...so what does it look like for us to challenge our need for more? do we wait for the government to mandate us to live simply? do we trust hollywood to make it trendy? will the church show us that God calls us to care about being green? one thought of living simply that a friend mentioned to me is that while being green and living simply is growing as a current trend there are so many countries that live this way not out of choice (or that it's the new hot trend) but because their economy, their resources require them. it's feels so arrogant that we can choose to be simple or to be gluttonous, and we fail to be grateful for this. i fail to be grateful for my ability to make choices, for the resources available to me.

mckibben also made the point that it is our loss of community and connection is at the core of our discontent. i know i feel it...and we make so many efforts to create connection each other. e-mails, texting, myspace, facebook, blogs. while i participate i also lament it. while our intentions may be well meaning, when i get a text or read an updated on facebook about a friend's life there's a void. i don't experience the fullness of community. and i grieve that.

and i guess if i were to make any resolutions it would be to make more time to be connected. that i would call a friend before sending out an e-mail. that i would make more dates to hang out. that i would not make so many excuses as to why i can't spend time with people (and most of those excuses are based off of my own insecurities that people don't want to spend time with me)

so these are just a few of the thoughts that are wrestling around...

pieces of christmas...

2008-01-02T21:56:00.000-05:00

being with family this year for the holidays was a delight! we traveled into the chicago-land area two different weekends to visit my family and christmas day we spent with mike's fam. certainly one of the highlights was witnessing my cousin becky's proposal. she was so surprised (and i'm so glad i had my camera!)

my sister kate with her "peace" print
my grandma schleyer...with the help of my dad i gave her a really fun gift of some framed photos of trip out west she took as a young woman. she was quite the bold adventurer!

drew, our little "chick magnet"

our neice, brei...she's getting so big!

cute and rugged....

2007-12-27T21:59:00.000-05:00

i love creative ideas.
i love my friends.
i love supporting local business.

so it's natural for me to be excited and celebrate my friend renee's business venture...www.ruggedidea.com her partner ali and herself have created these creative and practical blankets for families.

so if you're a momma, papa, or know someone who is expecting a little one this would make a delightful gift!

what christmas really should be...

2007-12-20T14:00:00.000-05:00

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.
~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!
~Hamilton Wright Mabie

What is Christmas?
It is tenderness for the past,
courage for the present,
hope for the future.
It is a fervent wish
that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal,
and that every path may lead to peace.
Agnes M. Pharo

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
Dr. Seuss

longing for a trader joe's...

2007-12-13T23:42:00.000-05:00

every time i go grocery shopping and fill my trader joe canvas bag with my items i get a comment from someone about how much they love trader joe's. we then get into a conversation about the distances we've had to travel to visit this delightful store. if you live in grand rapids you know that we do not have the good fortune of being able to shop at joe's. so i have to wait till i visit family in chicago or make a trek out to ann arbor. i've actually brought an empty cooler with me to fill with some of their frozen goodies!

so this is what i want for christmas...a trader joe's. and maybe you'll join me in petitioning to bring this fine establishment to GR. go to this link and send an e-mail for a location request...http://www.traderjoes.com/contact_us_selection.html

on the hunt...

2007-12-12T14:45:00.000-05:00

while i am lovin' being self-employed as a photographer, starting up your own business can be a slow process. so i'm still looking for another job, to help supplement some of our finances and to keep me engaged. it's a blessing to have time to dream, create, rest, but i need some structure too.

so i'm looking for some part-time work, probably a support position doing administrative tasks. which is great, cause i love to work on details and it would be nice to do work that has structure to it. i'd love to be working back on a college campus. i continue to feel the void of not serving college students. i need to fill that space within me that loves to mentor and serve.

so i'd appreciate all of your prayers, hopes, and positive energy. the past few months has been challenging with this job search stuff. but i trust and believe that something will come along that will meet our needs...

say cheese...

2007-12-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

just wanted to share this link to my blog for my photography...http://kpowersphotography.blogspot.com/

i'm still working on my web-site but for now i'm posting recent work on this blog.

so i hope you'll check it out!

i'm continuing to enjoy this pursuit. my goal is to have the web-site and my marketing done by the start of the year.

stay warm...