my christmas tree...

this year i didn't get an actually christmas tree but did put out a few favorite decorations...and one of them is my christmas card tree. with curly, swirly branches ready to hold christmas cards and family pictures. if you know me, you know i adore getting real mail...your name handwritten on an envelope, containing maybe a funny or sentimental card, affirming to you that someone, somewhere took the time to write you a note (as opposed to the convienant e-mail or text message). and christmas time always increases the personal mail that is delievered. now i confess that i haven't always been reliant about sending out my own christmas cards. most years they end up being a winter's greeting card (but is there ever a bad time to receive a card???)

so just wanted to say thanks to everyone who thought of me, added me to your christmas card list, sent me wishes of joy, hope and peace. when i look at my christmas card tree i am reminded that i am loved by many...

o come, o come...

on the fringe of the christmas festivities that are about to erupt i (like many of you i'm sure) feel taken aback by how quickly we are at this time of year. over the course of this year time has been elusive, sometimes sluggish, and other times rapid. i certainly feel ambivalent about this christmas...

last year i was still dense in the fog of grief so the holidays didn't even register. as i approached this year i had hopes of engaging in the celebrations and the traditions. i wanted to enjoy my last christmas in my house, as i prepare to sell it this spring. i longed to reclaimed and maybe reinvent the holidays so they held some semblance of joy for me. and while some of these attempts have provided me with more enjoyment of the holidays, the absence of mike is just as severe. maybe a bit harder because we're so accustomed that with time things heal and get better. but no amount of healing or the many blessings i've received after losing mike can fully replace the ache i have for him. yes, i can say that there have been dozens of moments of grace where I know God has cared for me, where family and friends have loved me through this season. but he's still gone. with time, the reality of his death becomes more stark, more raw. and with a new year approaching (and my birthday) i continue to resent the fact that mike won't experience 2010 with me, that i continue to grow older without him.



so this christmas continues to be a longing for God to come...to come and bring peace to our world that is riddled with pain, loss, injustice, poverty, hate, loneliness, sickness. i continue to find hope in this sentiment from walter brueggemann: advent "is the voice of those who know profound grief, who articulate it and do not cover it over...And because the hurt is expressed to the One whose rule is not in doubt, this community of hurt is profoundly a community of hope."

so i'll end with one of my favorite christmas hymns..."o come, o come emmanuel" by rosie thomas.