bad days...

just when i think i'm getting through the days with a bit more strength, clarity, engagement...another surge of grief hits me. what can seem like a benign day takes a nasty turn for no reason, and i'm weepy, angry, lost.

and there's no one i want more in that moment than mike. to be the one to console me, to hug me, to talk things through.

i've been going through my boxes of pictures and letters. i confess i'm a pack-rat and save everything. but i couldn't be more thankful for this, cause i have every letter, note, ticket stub, snap-shot from our relationship. and it feels like it's time to take this stuff out of the box and create an album to celebrate these memories. i haven't read most of the cards...too painful to see his hand-writing. to know that there will be no more cards, no more birthdays, anniversaries, even ordinary moments.

and i feel mad tonight. mad that i had this amazing friend and husband, and it's just gone. mad that we were starting a new season of our relationship, with our first home and hopes for a family of our own...and those possibilities have died too. mad that i won't grow old with him. mad that he left me.

so bad days...just a piece of my reality.

love so amazing...

** first let me preface that i am okay on this day...mike and i did not "celebrate" valentine's day. i think we were better at expressing romance during the ordinary days.**

i found this letter i wrote to mike as i've been sorting through boxes of pictures and other memories. it stuck out to me cause it was a valentine's letter and we really didn't get into this holiday. it was written during our first year living in seattle.

i hesitate knowing if i want to share with you what i wrote. i don't want to "glorify" our marriage, cause it had it's major flaws and i would say many days we failed to delight in each other, to be patient, to express our love. but i am so grateful that we fought hard to get to those moments of grace, love, beauty. and when we had them...it was a little piece of the sacred. i knew God more in those moments. and really mike SPOILED me! i was blessed....

so i do want to share with you my words to mike, my husband and best friend...cause we had a good love, that allowed us to experience the amazing and divine love of God.

to my friend, my husband, my love...

loving you can be such a vulnerable act. these past couple of months have challenged me to be more naked and that's scary. what has been amazing is the more you see of me, the more you loved me. i am so stunned by your forgiveness and tenderness that i sometimes want to run from it.

i'm thankful for where we are at...instead of loving each other in silly gestures on this holiday, we are wrestling with our sin and grieving our disappointments.

i love you mike. and the more you expose your heart, show me all the good and bad, the deeper i fall. your nakedness tells me you trust me and you're challenging me to cover you with grace. i long for us to be there.

always yours,
kelly

give it words

Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be,
must tell the story.
That is his duty.

–Elie Wiesel

discernment...

dis·cern·ment noun
1 : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

my heart and mind have been a bit consumed with trying to discern what are my next life steps...specifically with a job and the house.

i wasn't prepared to have to re-examine or restart my life...i didn't foresee this detour.

but i am here and i know that i need to step forward. while of course still being kind and patient with my grieving.

i know i feel ready to bring back some other purpose into my life, in addition to the healing and grieving. i feel the desire to work, to engage, to contribute. one of my friend's daughter asked me what i want to be when i grow up (and thanks for seeing me so "young" that i can still consider this question). i feel there could be so many options ahead of me...my photography, counseling, returning to higher education/college work. and yet i will confess that my sense of hope and trust still feel broken (not to mention that the current status of our economy doesn't do much to encourage me).

and my house, my home. i love this space. mike and i were blessed by this space. but it also feels like a lot to bear by myself. so do i sell? do i try to stay?

these are not questions i want to ask or have to answer by myself...

so i continue to ask for your prayers for discernment, wisdom and to be bearers of hope for me...and i do welcome any advice, expertise, or job offers!

friends from a far...

Many of you donated money and gifts to our friends the Smiths as a way to honor Mike's life...They are serving in Guatemala at an orphanage called New Life Children's Home. Chad has been one of Mike's best friends since college and we continued to enjoy community with them over the years. We missed them when they moved and I continue to miss them...But it was so good to visit with them this past week while they are visiting the States. I got to meet Anabella Michal, their daughter who was born the day before Mike's memorial service and given Mike's name. She's a beautiful four month old baby! I know Mike would have adored her!


chad with his two other girls...aleia and arianna.

emmett...he can be so serious and so funny in a span of five mintues.

ari...i love her free-spirit and her laugh!

aleia...such a ham!

marlana with anabella

me and anabella




There are many of you I owe individual thanks for your generousity towards our friends...But I just want you to know that your giving has blessed the Smiths' and their "family" in Guatemala. I can't think of a better way to honor Mike...

we...

i find myself stumbling through the transition of "we" to "i"...

i still tell stories, reflect on life, share tidbits using the reference "we"...

i guess that's something i'm trying to walk through...who i am now in light of this? someone said well you're not married anymore, you are single. but i still feel married. my heart and mind always experiencing and processing things with mike in mind. and i will never be "single". once you've been intimately connected with someone mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually you are always marked by that.

so for now i think i'm okay when a "we" slips through...