elephants...

i've developed an affection for elephants...it started when someone sent me a card of sympathy that had the following message:

"elephants...
so big, so strong.
and yet when a member of the herd passes,
even elephants mourn.
they gather around extend their trunks, and gently touch the tusks of their fallen friend.
it's their ritual.
it's how they heal.
and it's sad.
and it's beautiful.

so maybe what we're trying to say is that the world doesn't
expect you to be fine with this.
be how you need to be.
mourn how you need to mourn"

(thanks lisa for finding such a beautifully worded card...)

then last week there was a moving news story on 60 minutes about orphaned elephants and an african community's effort to protect them. in the midst of such discouraging, broken times it's nice to experience a story of joy and hope...

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silent nights...

we're snowbound here in michigan...it's really a beautiful sight to look at. at least a foot of pure white snow. not ideal for having to travel in, which is one reason why i will be staying here in michigan for christmas. i'll be spending time with mike's family up in rockford, keeping things simple and quiet (well minus the fun chaos that my nephews and neice bring).

while christmas music is not filling up my house this year there are still a few songs that i find connection with...this version of "silent night" by over the rhine was a favorite of mike's and still remains one of my favorite christmas records. Silent Night (duet.)

another favorite song that i've found my story in is joni mitchell's "river"...River (LP Version) [LP Version]

i heard someone say once, "when life gets hard, music gets good". music was always healing and truthful for mike and i. i am thankful it still can bring some of that to me.

hope this finds you well and warm...

tear open the heavens...

it's impossible to escape the christmas season...

in years past i delighted in the abundance of lights, snow, christmas music, watching classic christmas cartoons, cutting down our christmas tree, opening up stockings, wrapping gifts.

but now it feels sorta of like i'm in a foreign country...i don't understand the language or the culture. i'm "okay" being out of place but i've been wondering what can it look like to enter into the season of advent with my grief.

cause when it comes down to it christmas at it's heart, for me, for mike, is about hope. about the arrival of Christ, new life, fresh start. so how does this stand in contrast with my life, my loss?

this weekend i found some thoughts on advent that spoke a little to my heart...

Isaiah 64:1-9
O that you would tear open the heavens and come down!

Advent becomes a time when our longing merges with the longing of God. It’s a time of watching in anticipation for the coming of God’s promised reign. It’s a time of waiting for God to set things right.

Walter Brueggemann has written that Advent is a community of hurt. Advent “is the voice of those who know profound grief, who articulate it and do not cover it over. ... And because the hurt is expressed to the One whose rule is not in doubt, this community of hurt is profoundly a community of hope.”

The people who celebrate Advent are those who are not afraid to name the hurt that engulfs them. Advent is for those who refuse to numb themselves with placid thoughts of a better day. It is for those for whom all hell is breaking loose and who have turned their life in every direction imaginable, looking for some help to come, only to find themselves shouting with Isaiah: “God, you do something about this! Tear open the heavens and come down here and do something. God, just do something to end the hurt.”
“Do something, God, to bring peace.”
“Do something, God, to heal my family’s brokenness.”
“God, do something to let me keep my job.”
“Do something to take away the anger that is consuming me.”
“Do something to break the hold grief has on me.”
Whenever we discover that the world isn’t what we or God imagined it would be, when we recognize the hurt, we call out to God in hope that God will do something to set things right.

(John P. Leggett)

i don't know that i feel the hope yet...in fact i rely on others to bear hope for me. but i am encouraged to know that i can enter into the christmas season with my hurt, knowing that God will receive my ache, my pain, my grief as a longing for peace, as a call for Him to come.

a winter memory...

mike and i started out as friends. i was not looking for anyone, my sights set on moving out to seattle for grad school. but there was mike, wooing me with his curious genuine heart.

anyway after a few weeks of "coffee dates" we made things official. it was a winter night in february, with a fresh thick blanket of snow. we were hanging out in a parking lot, digging out our cars. as we said good-bye i wondered how do we make the transition from "friends" to "boyfriend/girlfriend". as we awkwardly laughed at our new status before i got in my car i reached out...not for a hug, not even for a squeeze of the hands, but a high five! like we were team-mates who just scored a basket. i drove away feeling like such a dork, but it was a funny real moment. cause we were still friends and we always grew that friendship in our marriage.

so when i came across these mittens it brought back one of my favorite memories of our friendship...