a hundred for a home...

Hope, grief, trust, faith...all of these things have been tricky to figure out these days. how do you find joy in the midst of pain? what does it look like to hope when you feel surrounded by disappointment? where's grace and mercy?

I'm not sure that I will find "the answers" to these questions but I hope to wrestle through them, to be honest in the journey.

My college friends Matt and Shannon McNeil find themselves with a life story that holds it's own pain...Their two delightful children Waverly and Oliver tragically have a terminal illness, Sanfilippo or MPS III. I remember when I reconnected with them via Shannon's blog last spring how unimaginable this seemed...And there have been lots of questions of how do we step into this with them? They both have displayed such raw honesty about this journey...The days of anger, good days playing at the park, the saddness and ache. Especially for me these past few weeks I have found myself thinking more and more about the McNeil's...our grief is so different but I feel connected to them too.

Some of their closest friends, Kamarah and Michelle, have invited us to help the McNeil's in a tangible way...Raising funds to help them create a home that will provide them a space to be family while also addressing the physical needs of Waverly and Oliver.

http://www.ahundredforahome.com

I invite you to learn about their story and if it's on your heart to offer a gift to the McNeils...I can't think of anyone better who deserves a bit of tangible grace these days.

moments of love and grace...

it's been three weeks now...seems like a lifetime. days continue to be long. but i do have some moments of love and grace that make the days more livable.

* two hikes this weekend, surrounding myself with the fall beauty. God's creation does heal...

* friends and family who spent their saturday to clean, organize, and landscape. i felt their love through their hands.

* a delightful brand new pink vacuum cleaner that found it's way to my doorway...i think i may just smile while i'm cleaning.

* joining the ymca...these days have been focused on physically staying well. i'm thankful for the gift offered to me to get out the house and stay healthy.

* dinner with friends...

* the overwhelming support and presence of my family. i spend my thursdays with kelly (my amazing sis-in-law) and her kids. mike's parents are so supportive and caring. my mom's daily phone calls. my dad's help with records, paperwork, life stuff. my sister taking care of so many details. adam's phone calls. hugs from my nephews. it all helps in the midst of chaos.

* my dear friends curt and kristin...no words can express the gratitude and love i have for these two people. their friendship is a sure foundation for me to stand on these days...

but i won't lie that things continue to be hard, especially the mornings and nights. i wake up in the morning, after a restful sleep only to be reminded of the reality i find myself. nights are when i miss mike's presence the most. when my mind wanders and is flooded with questions, memories, aches. i am still in a numb state and know that days are still ahead where the grief will perhaps surge out.

his namesake...

Our dear friends Chad and Marlana moved last spring to Guatemala to fulfill their heart's desire and calling to serve orphans. I can still remember when they first shared with Mike and I that they had found a specific place, a specific community they knew they were called to make their new home. We felt so much joy because they have been praying and dreaming for years to serve God overseas. Of course we were sad too...Chad and Mike were like brothers, sharing a friendship that was both marked with laughter and heart. Chad and Marlana helped moves us out to Seattle when we went to grad school and we've come to love all of their kids, as "Aunt Kelly and Uncle Mike".

It was difficult not having them here as I faced the loss of Mike, but they were expecting baby number four. And the day before Mike's memorial they welcomed their beautiful daughter, Anabella Michal. It was so meaningful that they gave her Mike's name, to honor him, to remember him.

We asked people to consider offering donations to the Smith family, to support their calling, in lieu of flowers. Myself and Mike's family were so blessed and grateful for the generous gifts and I can't wait to pass along the blessing to Chad, Mar, their kids, and their works with orphans.

an unwanted chapter...

it's been a couple of weeks now...

the outpouring of support, prayers, memories that we received as a family were pieces of God's grace and brought us some healing.

but the days continue to be long, confusing, sometimes with a fleeting moment of peace. grief is a messy business. it's not "stages" of grief, it's a maddening pinball game of emotions.

mike and i grew to understand the importance of story. God's story, the beauty and brokenness of our own stories. inviting others to know, own their stories. we believed in knowing your story, giving voice to it is where you would find redemption and hope.

but everyday since i've lost mike i keep thinking i don't want this to be a part of my story. it doesn't fit. it's so foreign and unknown...his absence still is absurd.

many people still ask "how are you doing?" i need to find a new vocabulary to answer such questions. these days i can't afford to offer polite and superficial answers. only honesty. cause as the quote for this blog says "there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story"

so i'm going to try and step into it, my story.

the memorial service...

for those who weren't able to join us on friday as we celebrate mike's life my friend john pottenger (amazing photography and videographer) created a video of the service...

http://www.coastline-studios.com/tv/Mike.html

as i shared with many this was the easy part, celebrating Mike, finding some rest in God's presence. it is the days ahead that i believe will hold more challenges, more struggles, more aches...

offers of kindness....

dear friends,

a week has passed and i continue to find myself weaving and stumbling through different places in my heart and mind. i have had some good moments, glimpses of peace, chaos, brokenness, void, anger, questions, gratitude, fear. i know many of you ask "how are you?" i trust your sincerity and yet i need to find a whole new language to answer that question. also i know many of you have asked if there are ways you can be of support and help. it is difficult for me to respond to a general desire to help at this time....whether i can't formulate what my needs are or it's just simply too difficult to ask. my friends curt & kristin kuiper will be organizing and taking care of information for any tasks/needs/errands/assistance i may need during this season. you can contact curt and kristin at curtandkristin@hotmail.com and they can place you on an e-mailing/calling list when needs do arrive.

also it helps if you give me specific offers of help or invitiations...dinners, walks, whatever. it is easier for me to accept a specific invitation than to take the initiative at this time to make a phone call, pick a date, name a need.